Sunday, May 18, 2008

It's In the Ketubah!

What is that you say? A ketubah is a Jewish marriage contract. I was introduced to what this was when I worked for an start-up ID card company made up of people born in Israel. It was quite a learning experience. I learned a lot about the Jewish religion and culture.

I was all about the ketubah. I wanted to know why I, married in a Christian Church, did NOT get a ketubah. A document where my husband promises to honor, and cherish me. You know? Then I remembered that we took those vows before God (twice, for us, in fact), and I'm pretty sure he's going to hold us to our verbal agreement.

The reason I bring this up is that the accountant at the company used to tell colorful and wonderfully hilarious stories about how she had to remind her husband that killing spiders was "IN! THE! KETUBAH!" Which, in turn, meant that he was pretty much forced by God to kill the spider or else he was going to Hell. Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic here, but bear with me.

I surmised, when I met Not the Momma, that he'd be brave and strong, and killer of all things small and creepy. Come ON! This guy is 6'5" and over 200 pounds. He's trained with SEALS in order to fight terrorists and evil in the world. Surely, he could manage the small and creepy things too, right? How wrong was I? Usually end up being the one to smash things with my shoe and wiping up the guts off of the wall while he runs around screaming KILL! IT! KILL! IT! in a voice that definitely should NOT come out of a man with his body type. He didn't even have the balls heart to kill the gophers that are driving our dogs nuts either. I've tried telling him that it's in the ketubah that he is in charge of smashing all things creepy, but usually it doesn't work. You know, on account of the fact that we're not Jewish, and don't have a ketubah.

On occasion, though, he'll prove that he is, in fact, a manly-man and kill something. Friday was that night. He stood up on the ottoman and killed the small-ish spider that was thinking about jumping on me from the MOVING ceiling fan. I have a feeling it is because he really wanted the creepy thing to be dead, and alas, I am too short to reach the ceiling.

My dear friends... If you ever wanted to know why G4 TV is evil, it's because it has totally ruined this post. I had a plan. I had a thought. and the stupid channel, with it's Japanese obstacle courses, and people telling me that Wii is not exercise (LIES! LIES! ALL LIES I TELL YOU!) it has distracted me from completing my thoughts in any sort of coherent way.

Oh, that's right. I remember now.. If I could have a ketubah, it would most definitely be required that Not the Momma kill all things creepy and crawly. And that he wouldn't fart in bed (even if I do have the ability to buy this blanket.) If you had a ketubah, what silly things would you require to be in it? Or, if you are Jewish and do have a ketubah, what silly things should be in it, but aren't?


Ashlee said...

Men are required to kill spiders {I have serious arachnaphobia} and they MUST mow the lawn and take out the garbage. Those are the requirements around here anyway. :0)

Vanessa said...

At our house, hubby gets the small and crawly, and I get the long and slithery. He will GLADLY take care of bugs and spiders and all things crawly, but he WILL NOT go near a snake. Nope, and it is pretty funny. I can't wait for Little Man to bring daddy a snake to see what happens. :)

Samantha said...

Are we married to the same guy? Except my hubby is no where close to being 6 feet tall! I used to be scared of spiders, until I realized hubby is even more scared. He farts constantly. And we LOVE the Japanese shows on G4!!! They are so so fun!!!

Kellyann said...

You guys watch Ninja warrior too?! We are kindred spirits! My 6 year old even wants to go to Japan if they ever have a kids Ninja Warrior!

As for the hubby, I would love it to be in my contract that he stops leaving dirty clothes on the middle of the living room. He comes home each morning after the night shift and gets dress in the middle of the living room. And then ..... Maybe I need to let my list be listed on my blog. Too long and let's face it, too much of a pipe dream! Thanks for the idea though!

Amanda said...

LOL...I happen to think G4 is evil because my hubby drives me crazy with the ninja warriors, video games, and those awful code monkeys!!!!

Marmite Breath said...

We badly need a ketubah!!