Questions Google thinks I can answer...

1. What Counts as Weaned?

If you are talking about nursing, weaning is when your child no longer drinks their milk from your breast. That does not, however, imply that months, even a year or more later your child will not suddenly pull down or lift up your shirt to show off the goods in front of everyone at the grocery store. It also does not imply that he will stop putting his hands between the 'ladies' while he comforts himself to sleep. After all, if weaning did imply those things, there are some grown men who would not be considered 'weaned.'

2. Signs your Baby is hungry?

It depends on the age of the baby. If you're having the same troubles my friend is having now, the fact that he is simply alive and breathing could be a sign that he is hungry. Another signs is crying. However, that could also mean the following things: Baby is dirty, Baby is tired, baby is over stimulated, baby wants to be held, clothing is pinching baby, the dog is looking at the baby, and the baby needs to be burped.

3. Smell of Mothballs and breastfeeding

I know, this isn't a question. But, um, yeah. If you are smelling that, it's time to change your shirt. You probably went to Grandma's house to dig through boxes for old baby toys and leaked a bit. Or, your husband sent you a box so saturated with moth balls that the entire tri-state stinks of cancer causing chemicals.

4. Why do I have to wait until my baby is 4 months old to wean him?

You don't. You do what's best for you and your baby. If you cannot stand the thought of nursing him, or you are not winning the difficult battle that can be nursing a child, you don't wait. You just do it. When it's right for you. Every mommy and every baby is different.


5. You Know you're married when...

You consider buying a fart blanket for the bedroom.

6. Are Mothballs bad for babies?

Um. Yes. Mothballs are just plain bad for everyone and everything. Even mice and bugs are smart enough to stay away from the toxic things. That's why they work.

6. Blow up gophers with propane?

Maybe. Just maybe. Let me know how that works out. If it weren't for the crazy amount of holes in the neighborhood, I'd totally try it too.. But I'm afraid I'd blow up the whole zip code.

7. Is it dangerous to let baby scream while driving?

You should be worried about the fact that the baby is driving. Babies are meant to scream, but generally they are too little to drive. How do they steer and reach the pedals at the same time?

PrompTuesday #16

This week's PromptTuesday, courtesy of Deb is to write a letter of Complaint. The first part of that is that I have to find something to complain about. Usually I have a list about a mile long of things to complain about, but lately, my list is waning. Or it could be some psychological thing where I can't think of anything to complain about when I finally have a valid opportunity. I suppose that's a good thing, but that makes this thing a stretch.

Rules: 250 words, 10 minutes, yada yada yada. :)


Dear Gophers,

I understand that you're just trying to 'do your job' by digging holes. It's what you do. I don't all of the holes in the area around my home, outside of the fenced in area. What I mind, is when you decide to dig under my fence and dig caverns in my (what used to be) freshly sodded backyard.
I'm also a little bit concerned about the high number of holes in the hill under my sidewalk. I'm a bit afraid that one of these days, Little Monster and Faith are going to be racing their tricycles on that sidewalk when, suddenly, there will be a mild tremor, causing the entire sidewalk to collapse in on itself.

I wouldn't worry about that as much if we lived in, well, pretty much anywhere else but directly on top of the San Andreas Fault. But, being as we do live near the San Andreas Fault, those tremors, they're bound to happen. I'm not worried about the giant earthquake that's going to send the state of California sinking into the ocean. We'll all be dead anyway -- you included. Have you ever stopped to think about that? I mean, COME ON! You could be creating a new fault line in my backyard with the number of holes you're digging.

I do appreciate that you contracted the dogs to help you dig a swimming pool for me. Next time, though, you should consider the weather. We've had about 3 days of 'swimming' weather here. While the rest of the country is being par-boiled alive, we're sitting at 55 degrees. So, just for your future reference, we do not need a swimming pool.

If you do not cease and desist this obssessive hole digging within the confines of my fence, I will be forced to take extreme action. I have tried warning you with that annoying sonic rodent blaster. You have not heeded the warning, though. My next option is to contact my lawyer about the ramifications of decapitating you with the mattox I bought to remove bush roots from our Virginia Home. (Do you see that, I said "LAWYER," In polite mid-western speak, that means I MEAN WHAT I AM SAYING AND I'M NOT AFRAID TO GET THE LAW INVOLVED.") Gophers, you are trespassing and stealing my soil and grass. For that, I can have your head. And I just might. If I can catch you.


Love,

Momma Mary

We're back. For Real.

We're back from a enjoyable vacation home to Nebraska.

Our tummies were satisfied with Runza goodness. I could probably write a novel on this trip, and all of the craziness that went on, but that might bore you. Well, maybe not. The people it would bore left when I didn't write for two weeks. I needed the break.

Craziness during our trip:

• Upon packing the trailer, we realized a mouse had decided to use my baggies as his new home. We had to sterilize the entire trailer. I still worried for the entire trip out that I was going to wake up and find Feivel looking at me.
• I-5. Did you know they are working on it? Did you know that even when you're going the speed limit a fifth wheel trailer and truck can go airborn? Neither did we. They can.
• Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. 4 days of screaming on the way to Nebraska.
• We didn't stop to eat (we ate food from our fridge) until we got to Nebraska and could get some Runza goodness.
• There were storms. OH were there storms! We stayed at the lake one weekend, and watched the wall cloud associated with this storm go right over us. We were spared, barely. It was a good thing, too, being as we were camping. In our trailer at the lake.
• All that Little Monster learned. It seemes like we got into the car, and the child's knowledge base tripled. He learned about trains (choo! choo!), deer, horses, cows and clouds.
• We spent a lot of quality time with family. I didn't visit any friends this trip, because I was planning on heading home for my 10 year high school reunion. That might not happen, because, well, the 5.00 gallon gas prices put a hurting on our pocket books. We're broke now. But it was worth it.
• We found a sonic blaster that sends sounds out to hopefully get rid of our little gopher friends. I'll keep you updated on the progress. Because you really want to know.

We had a great time, and life will return to normal shortly. It already kind of has. It's 11:30 and I've done nothing around the house. Even though it was clean when we left, it is trashed now. With all of our stuff from the trailer dumped into piles in places. I should probably go work on putting everything away. But first -- I think I need to go to Target and get a baby gift for my friend and her new little boy!

Dog for Sale!

Here is a picture:

How can you resist? She's well trained. She climbs right into the highchair for breakfast and dinner. She gets along well with other dogs and doesn't require much effort. She spends most of the day sleeping.

She's an avid rodent hunter.

Wait a minute. She just looked at me. Aw, who am I kidding? I can't sell her! She's FREE to the first commenter. I'm kidding. I swear. I'm afraid she's going to do mean things to me in my sleep now.

Seriously though. I have two options. I can continue to fill in the holes she digs trying to catch us a gopher (Yes, we're still having a regular old caddyshack 2008 over here), or I can embrace her skill and put her to work. Would PETA be upset if I used her to dig a hole for an in-ground swimming pool and create some custom landscaping? Oh, well. Too late.

Here's some photographic evidence of the work in progress. This is what our yard looked like before the excavation began:

Do you see the frolicking and good times being had by all? The nice freshly planted sod? That we spent a weekend laying? breaking our backs, getting dirty? Spending LOTS of money on? Ah, good times.

Here is a rough blueprint of her work, and some photos. I've taken the time to point out the improvments she's already made.



The beginnings of the swimming pool:




This one is difficult to see, because I've filled in part of her work. The grass will most certainly die over time, making the sink hole stand out more.


She's tired now. It's time for a break.

But, if you want a lovable dog and need some excavation done, I'd be happy to loan her out. All you need are an ample supply of dog food, greenies, and a nice, freshly planted, green lawn. Then, she'll get to work right away.

2 down, dunno how many left to go...

Right before I left for my HEAVENLY! Mother's Day Pedicure, we found a new and FRESH gopher hole. Fresh, as in dirt was flying from the hole, fresh. As I was leaving, Not the Momma was preparing to flood the hole and catch this gopher.

While on my way to get my HEAVENLY! pedicure, I got a text message.
The text message summed up how the gopher had been 'exterminated.' Not the Momma was watching all of the holes nearby when a large bird swooped down from the tree behind our house. There was some scruffling, and then Not the Momma saw this:



Sure, that isn't the right kind of bird, nor is it our backyard, or even a picture taken by us... But have you ever tried to get that on film when you're standing in shock with your jaw on the ground? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Now what do we do?

Now that we've seen it, we can't KILL it?! What do we do?

We were outside looking for Not The Momma's Softball mitt, when we noticed a new hole. Hmm, darn it. Then, after finding the mitt, we noticed dirt flying out of said hole. When we tried to flood, he tried to flee. He fled the wrong way.

So. Now what do we do? We're thinking of setting it free, somewhere far far away from here. If it gets eaten by a coyote, that's not our problem, right? Why do I suddenly feel guilty for trying to kill a rodent?

Caddyshack 2008 - Part Two

We, my friends, have a gopher problem. Today the situation came to an acme when Kleenex, our female dog, escaped. I was writing a different entry for today, about our crappy internet, when there was a knock on the door. My friendly neighbor was over to inform me that the dogs, er I mean, ONE dog had escaped the confines of my yard. It was a little disturbing that only ONE dog was out… Even more disturbing was the fact that the gate was still latched and locked. She had DUG A HOLE UNDER THE FENCE. I almost started crying thinking about what Not the Momma was going to do to that naughty little puppy (I’m pretty sure withholding dessert wouldn’t be his plan). She knew she was in trouble, so she just came right over when she saw me, hoping to keep herself out of any more trouble. (Is it wrong that before I filled the hole in, I seriously considered taking photographic evidence… for the blog. I only decided against it because that would be exploiting my pets for my own selfish desire. Also – my pets deserve their privacy.) Surprisingly, Not the Momma wasn’t mad about the giant gaping hole under the fence. I did try to fill it in a bit, though, and spent the afternoon filling all the gopher holes with water. Later in the evening, after a great Cinco De Mayo dinner at the Whole Enchilada (great Mexican food, by the way), we saw it. Well, Chewie started whining at the backdoor. Not the Momma looked out, and saw the dirt flying up where the gopher was digging a hole. So, we sicked the dogs on it. Kleenex was digging and growling and digging and growling and growling and digging. Chewie was running around frantically. It was crazy. But now, we’re at a loss for what to do to get rid of the darn things.

Ways we’ve tried to kill the gophers:

*Drowning them with lots and lots of water. (didn’t work, apparently.)
*Collapse their runs. Yeah, that isn’t working either.
*Hack at them with the pointy end of a mattock after trying to drown them and collapse their caves. (This one is particularly ineffective, especially if you’re dressed up in a long skirt, and screaming obscenities. On a positive note, the neighbors had some entertainment for their Cinco De Mayo party… NO this didn’t happen tonight!? ß Sarcasm)
*Sacking the dogs on them. Kleenex likes this one. She’s been trying to kill the things herself for weeks. (Not the Momma says: She killed a mouse when we were camping… She has the taste of blood!) Unfortunately, she’s only gotten into trouble for digging the holes bigger. And today, she dug UNDER THE FENCE trying to eat the rodent. She didn’t run away though. And that’s why she’s still alive… That and because Little Monster kinda likes her.

Ways we’ve contemplated, but have not yet attempted to kill the bastards. (Either because we haven’t had time, or we’re still contemplating the operational risk)

*Suffocation: We could suffocate them by piping propane into their burrows.
*Incineration: Following the suffocation up with a lighter could prove to be very successful. However, we’re a bit concerned about unexploded ordinance and the collateral damage aspect. We’d hate to blow up the neighbor’s house by mistake.
*Poison: Not really a fan of this one, because of the fact we have dogs, and small children.
*Guillotine Traps: They’re kind of expensive. Not to mention, that’s kind of a boring way to do it. Boring isn’t really something we’re ‘into’ in our house.

So, any suggestions about how to creatively, (and maybe even slightly inhumanely) get rid of our gopher problem?

I’m kidding about that inhumane thing. Sort of. No, seriously, I really am. Kidding.

Caddyshack 2008

Sometimes I don't blog because I'm depressed. Other times, it's because I have nothing to say. This time, though, I've honestly been busy. I have looked like this several times today.

More to come later. Oh, and don't tell PETA I'm trying to kill the bastards that are teasing my dogs into digging giant holes in the yard.