Saturday, May 31, 2008

Random Rambling on a Lazy Saturday

I, for the life of me, couldn't pick a name. So, I'm going to let you do it. Well, I'm going to let you help. Pick your favorite. I think I grabbed almost all of the names that were submitted.

Thank you to Mommy Pie, Seeryus Mommy (multiple times!), Laura, and Ashlee for submitting names. I'm really sorry if I missed one you suggested.

But, all you have to do is submit your entry. Poll will close next Friday.

Thanks for your help & participation.

Now, tell me, how are you doing on your assignment? I'm glad we took care of ours yesterday, because wow. Today, Not the Momma and I - we feel like crap. He's got a sinus cold (isn't this #5 since we've lived here?). I, however, am dealing with issues of a more feminine nature. Is that too much information to put on the blog?

Little Monster is playing Lego's with Daddy on the couch while we watch a movie that is entirely inappropriate for anyone, let alone an 18 month old. Our plans for today: Nothing. We are going to sit on the couch and watch dumb movies, litter Lego's around the house so that we can step on them later. We will eat donuts. We will do nothing that requires effort, or getting dressed, or being conscious. Because otherwise I have to change the title of this post. And that is something that would require effort.

Friday, May 30, 2008

Friday Fun -- An Assignment!

Today's Friday Fun is a little bit different. There will be no quiz today for you to take, instead I have an assignment.

We bought an aquarium membership over Memorial Day Weekend, but we didn't stay long because the place was packed. Packed in like sardines. (heh heh, get it, Aquarium, Cannery Row, Sardines? -- Okay. Lame, I know.) Fast Forward to today. We went to the Monterey Aquarium and Cannery Row today. Today it wasn't busy and we had a great time. Little Monster had fun touching crabs, rays and all different kinds of kelp. The whole place is nice, and extremely child friendly. They have several places that are designated 'play' areas with things to climb on, touch, and learn with. Little Monster loves the place now, but he'll only grow to like it more as he gets older and can actually interact with the 'interactive' displays.

My favorite parts of the day:
  • When Little Monster pushed the button that made seal sounds. It was just a little bit loud, and scared him. His eyes got big, and he ran around behind me and hugged my legs. Yeah, I'm sadistic like that.
  • Not the Momma's favorite part was when we held him in a concave dome so he could feel like he was 'in' the tank. He got a little freaked out and held Not the Momma so tight that the scratch marks are still showing on his arm. We think he was upset about it because it was the only area where he couldn't touch the glass. So, he was worried we were going to 'drop' him in with the sharks.
  • When Little Monster pushed the button that made whale sounds. It wasn't nearly as loud as the seal. But when he heard the whale songs, he started imitating them. And continued for the rest of the trip. He does a mean whale song, that kid.
  • The look on Little Monster's face when we walked into the entrance, and he saw the fake whale suspended from the ceiling. His hands went up in the air, and his face had a look of "wow!"
  • Watching Little Monster discover how to put a cylinder through the appropriately shaped hole in the baby/toddler area of the "Splash Zone."
  • Okay, so really, watching Little Monster discover everything was a real treat. The look on his face for most of the day was one of complete awe. He kept waving and saying "hi" to the fish. He did not whine or complain once, even though we delayed his lunch by about an hour, and he was in his stroller for much of the time.
  • Right. Now. Little Monster was so tired from the day, that when I put him down for his nap, there was no argument. He rolled over onto his tummy, stuck his tush up in the air, and fell asleep. What better reward for a busy morning is there?

I do have one gripe. The place wasn't that busy, but there were 'hot spots' of activity. The main ones being the touch tanks. I get that the touch tanks are cool, so I know there are going to be lots of tween-aged kids running around touching things. That's what they're supposed to do. But, parents, you could keep an eye on your kids, and make sure they aren't being too pushy. That isn't my gripe. My gripe is with the ADULT that elbowed my son and I out of the way so that he and his wife could touch a starfish. In the children's area. Where the tanks were set low enough that Little Monster could touch them himself, without having to be held up. Dude, there's an adult sized one downstairs, and this is the kids area. We had to leave before I embarrassed myself and Not the Momma, because it was all I could do not to say something to him about how rude it was to elbow an 18 month old out of the way so that he, a grown man, could touch a starfish. Oh well. We are members. We'll go back next week and touch a starfish. Or, we'll touch one for free. Outside, in the real tide pools. So there.

Back to the whole "fun" part of this, though. Are you ready for your assignment? Either this weekend or next, be a tourist in your own town. Find something you've never done, a museum, or park you haven't visited, (or at least somewhere you haven't been in a while) and go there! Take a lunch, relax and have a good time. Then, tell us what you did. I'd bet there are lots of places, right in your hometown, you've never visited. Places you've been meaning to go but haven't because you were busy, or the weather wasn't good enough. No excuses. You have two weeks. Get to it!

Runza. Runza. Runza. I love Runza.

**Disclaimer** I have NOT been paid to advertise for this company. I just love them. And some people admitted to not knowing GASP!!! what a Runza is. So, I'll enlighten you. Because I love Runza. I love them
<---------------------------------this much--------------------------------->

Not the Momma and I grew up in Nebraska. I'd like to think of it as the Heart of the heartland. It was a great place to grow up. Safe, small, yet big. You could be a kid without too many worries. One of the things I LOVED to do on summer afternoons, or sometimes after school, was to walk to the Runza that was near our house. I would save my babysitting money just for those trips.

Onion rings, not too salty, just a tad sweet, melt-in-your-mouth goodness.

The fries. Extra crispy on the outside, but hot and soft on the inside. Salted to perfection.

It was always a pain to decide which ones to get. I don't remember when, but someone, (pure genius) decided to add "Frings" to the menu. A combo of the two. Pure. Heaven.

Then, there's the pièce de résistance, the Runza. I prefer mine with cheese, but there are tons of way to get them. Plain, with Swiss cheese and mushrooms, Italian style... the list goes on. Sometimes, they even spice it up and add different, seasonal recipes.

Pretty much everything there is good. Handmade. Everyday. (If that isn't their slogan anymore, I think it used to be.)

So, if you're traveling anywhere near one of these yellow dots (If you're traveling I-80, you are):

You should stop. You can tell them I sent you, but they won't know who I am. They might look at you funny. So, instead don't ask what a Runza is. It's a combination of some seasonings, burger, and cabbage, all baked into a bun. Don't ask about the nutrition content. It's fast food. Just eat it. And enjoy.

AND NOW you should go to to take the quiz. I scored a 72. Because, the questions are unfair to those who have no choice but to move. I answered the questions as though I still lived in Nebraska though. So, I cheated a bit. I, my friends AM a Runzanatic. But then, after reading this, did you wonder? That is the "Friday Fun" part of this whole thing. But I had to explain it. Want to know what would be even more fun? Going to Runza. And eating until I'm sick. That would be more fun. So, You Nebraskans! GO! Have a bite for US!

Now that I'm DROOLING uncontrollably into my keyboard: Hey, uh, Runza? Can I get my commission now? How about 3 dozen frozen Runza's shipped to me? Yeah, that will be great. You're welcome for the advertisement!

All photos are borrowed from

Thursday, May 29, 2008


Doogs, seriously. I did NOT delete you from my reader. I still have 107 blogs in it. I got rid of some news feeds, and the earthquake feed. I got rid of feeds that I find I click "mark as read" on. I got rid of the blogs that weren't full feed, and that never caught my interest enough to actually click through. :) I love you guys!

So, you're safe. I promise. I love my doogs. I'm not dumping you.

Settle down. Because tomorrow. TOMORROW, I have the MOST scrumptious blog ever written. I am so excited about tomorrow's blog. My mouth is watering as I type this. You're all going to want to get on the closest mode of high speed transportation and head to the heartland of America when you read tomorrows post. At least I did when I wrote it.


I spent some time today 'weeding' my reader.

I hated to do it. But people, I've got to have a LIFE, or else I won't have anything to blog about. There's nothing more boring than a blogger who can only blog about blogging. So I did it. I clicked 'unsubscribe.' I feel a little better for it.

I'm still going to share the love with all my doogs. But folks, unless I really really loved you, and you don't share all of your bloggy love to those of us using a reader, You might have gotten the axe. (Not really.)

I feel like a mean and cranky person today! Seriously, I just got rid of some ooooooold pages. Ones that rarely posted. I wouldn't get rid of YOU! But getting rid of the blogs that don't post brought my subscriptions down to a very manageable. 107. Don't tell my husband about that number. Please don't. He'll die.

This post sounds way mean. I'm sorry. I didn't unsubscribe from you. I really didn't. I promise! I unsubscribed from someone else!

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

Name it.

A bloggy friend,Seeryus Mama, has inspired me! She named her minivan "Virginia the Van."

So, I need you're help! We need to name OUR new vehicle. Our other car (a big dodge 2500) is named "The Big Blue Beast," or "Big Blue" for short.

Got any ideas?

I will close the contest on Friday. The day they detail the car so that it will be the cleanest it ever has been (and most likely ever will be - just ask my Dad). The picture at the bottom is the actual color.

Oh, what do you win? Bragging rights that you named some crazy lady's van. After all, which are you going to think is cooler?

"I won to Nobel prize because I invented the Internet. No wait, that was for global warming. Or because of a potatoe. Or was it tomatoe?"


"I named Momma Mary's Minivan."

That's what I thought? Who wants to be associated with Al Gore, when you can be linked to this:


In a little less than a month we'll be heading east (that is odd. I'm used to saying WEST in that statement) to visit family. I am getting excited. I don't think we'll have as much time as I'd like, but there are a few things I'm looking forward to:

  • The hot. hot. weather. (I'm pretty sure it will be lukewarm, since I want hot, but I can still hope.)
  • Spending one day at the lake. Water skiing, swimming, grilled food, soda. The sound of the cows mooing from across the lake. It's just too bad we won't stay there overnight. I'd love to hear the frogs croaking, see the lightning bugs, watch the stars come out. Have a fire, some s'mores.
  • The smell of Little Monster after that day at the lake. Little boy sweat, Coppertone, dirt, and lake.
  • Crawling into bed, where the sheets feel ultra cool after long day of sun and fun, followed by the deep, dark, hard sleep that comes from being totally worn out.
  • Reading. Grandparents will be around to keep Little Monster busy, so I'll be able to read. For fun.
  • Going on a date. Not the Momma and I plan on going to a movie at least ONCE while we are there. We'll have people fighting for the rights to sit on Little Monster.
  • Watching grandparent's faces as they see how much Little Monster has grown, as they see what a wonderful little boy he's become.
  • Spending time with family.
  • Hitting some national landmarks on the way back. I've never seen Mount Rushmore. And we've talked of visiting Yellowstone. We'll see. But, the sights we'll see on the way back, should be fun. Especially if Little Monster is up for it. He's at that age where everything intrigues him, and it could be great fun to show him some of these things.
  • RUNZA!!!!! I can so totally taste that Cheese Runza, with a side of Frings. Oh, sweet, glorious wonderful fast food that tastes SO GOOD.

I'm waiting. patiently. I have a lot of stuff to do before we leave, so I have plenty to keep me busy. But, the waiting is sweet in and of itself.

What are your summer vacation plans?

Tuesday, May 27, 2008

PrompTuesday #6

Write in another voice — someone completely opposite from you (i.e. an oil tycoon, a four-year-old kid, a drunk dog) and argue in favor or opposition to something outlandish which should be legalized or outlawed (i.e. the oil tycoon might argue that all environmental groups be declared unconstitutional, the four-year-old may advocate mandatory dessert after dinner, etc.).

Bugs have feelings too. I mean, it isn't like the knowingly invade your house to steal food! They are simply doing what God meant them to do: hunt out food. Poisoning them is cruel and inhumane! You shouldn't even smash them. Smashing bugs is murder! Especially ants. They are the most intelligent of the insects, and by destroying them, you very well may be destroying the earth. How can you tell me that something that digs such intricate tunnels, with such a developed sense of community is not a sentient being?

Okay. So I totally ran out of time. And it's lame. But yeah, I hate ants. HATE them. I desire to kill them. All of them. So, this is about as anti-me as it gets? For now. :) For more PrompTuesday stuff, check out Now, I'm going to bed.


I'll do the PrompTuesday (gawsh I hope there is one! I forgot about it last week. Sorry!!) in a second.

but FIRST! WOW! Thanks for all of the comments on the minivan! We haven't named it yet. We're still looking for the 'perfect fit.' Any suggestions? Our other car is a diesel Ram 2500. Yes, we use it like a truck should be - we tow with it. It's giant. A beast. And named 'Big Blue.'

Minivan Review: I expected to be okay with it, and like the room, but honestly, I like it. That feels a little dirty coming from the mouth that hated minivans, and swore up and down I'd never own one. I LOVE the fact that I can click a button and the door opens, I don't have to juggle bags and kid and junk in order to open the door and get him in. I LOVE the radio, and the navigation, and the memory seats. OOOH, the memory seats. When there is 14 inches between the two drivers, that is a luxury. No longer do we have to spend so much time dilly dallying with the mechanics. We click the unlock button on our respective FOB, and when we get in, everything is ready for us. Nice.

Welcome to the NCLM readers. I apologize that the whole "minivan" issue is what is on the table. I promise that I do have some other, better, stuff to read. Seriously, peruse. Don't make a comment on the minivans. And, I feel terribly insensitive also, because many of where many of you are coming from, and the fact that I'm WHINING about needing a larger car for my children. I am praying for all of my bloggy buddies who want babies!

Someday, when I feel up to it. I'll post about the rollercoaster that we went through to have Little Monster. :) Maybe someday soon.

Sunday, May 25, 2008


Gross. I can't say that about minivans anymore. I think I own one.

Last night, I had a huge revelation about WHY I don't like minivans. Because I want to be YOUNG! and CAREFREE! and WITHOUT RESPONSIBILITY! An SUV doesn't necessarily say "old" or "has kids" because you could just have dogs and like to hike and stuff.. But a Minivan. That says I'm an old person. Or someone with kids. And responsibility.

I'm not ready to be an old person. With kids. I'm <-this-> much closer to my midlife crisis. You know, because that isn't one of those things that you just happen upon. You take baby steps towards it until one day something little happens, and you just break. I'm a few steps closer to that breaking point. I still have a few years, but whatever.

But at any rate, Here's what it looks like:

It has everything. If there is a bell and whistle, we have it. Except the sunroof. And we made a good deal on the trade-in. We did good. I think. AND, I have written confirmation from my husband that he is NOT allowed to complain or whine (he was the one that pushed for the deal) about any part of it. So. All in all, I think at least I got a good deal out of it!

Friday, May 23, 2008

Never. NEVER. NEVAAAH!!!!!

I was all set to write a sad post about the fact that I can no longer see the Santa Cruz mountains. Because they are being burned down. But, today, I have a much sadder story (unless you actually live in the Santa Cruz mountains, then, I'm really sorry. Don't be mad that I'm comparing this to your situation).

Little Monster is getting bigger. He has now learned how much fun it is to throw things at us from the backseat. Yesterday Not the Momma nearly lost an eye to a shoe being hurled at speeds that, very possibly, would make Greg Maddux jealous. Today, it was books that nearly decapitated me. And cars. And milk. Since we're talking about sports, he's also destined to become either the best punter in football history, or he's going to live in Europe, being a record-holding soccer (sorry, 'football') player. He can kick our seats hard enough to give us whiplash. Both of us at the same time since he's in the middle.

This is a very sad day for me. Because, I must admit that I am looking at something I swore I would never look at. I swore that I would NEVER EVER over MY DEAD BODY, only if the ENEMY himself had allowed his home to freeze over, would I look at this abomination of a vehicle. I'm looking at a minivan.

I know. I think I just threw up a little in my mouth.

Why would I want to look at a minivan? They've come a long way. The windows in the back roll down, like normal windows now! No more are they sealed shut, or puny little vents. Little Monster can sit in the backseat and is unable to reach the front seats. He can see out the window. (He doesn't like that he can't see much out the window in the car we have now.) They have ooooh so much storage. Built in DVD players (for LONG trips only!). In the one we were looking at -- there were two screens, one screen for each row of passengers. The seats fold flat, so I can still haul dogs. Get this, I could haul both dogs, four people, AND enough stuff to get by for three months in a minivan. In my car, I can haul, well, half that. And we move. A lot. Did I mention ALL OF THE ROOM??? AND STORAGE??? Oh, and they have memory settings for the drivers seat/peddle position, etc. So I wouldn't have to spend 10 minutes reconfiguring the car every time NTM drove it. What's that I hear? A choir of angels? Yeah. I thought so.

The downside to minivans: They're UUUUUUGLY on the outside. And, you look like a dork from the outside. I have an issue with the fact that many minivan drivers don't know HOW to drive (or their too busy dealing with the children in the backseat to drive. Maybe that's it!).

Then there's the issue of gas mileage. The precise reason why I refuse to buy an SUV (plus the ones that I would consider don't have NEARLY as much room and configuration options as the minivans did.) My car currently gets 30 mpg in the city.. and between 40 and 50 on the freeway (Depending on how heavy my foot is). Minivans, well, they don't get nearly that. So, maybe we'll wait until this 'fall' when Volkswagen is supposed to have their own minivan come out. Maybe they'll put the same diesel engine in that minivan that my Passat has.

I feel a little icky about this whole thing. Like I'm cheating on my car or something.

Some things I want to know if I do buy one of those abominations a minivan. Do I want swivel seats, or those that fold into the floor? If you have a minivan (and you haven't left because I basically just told you that I think you're a dork who can't drive), what do you like or dislike about it? Is it a beast to drive and park? I HATE driving around my husband's 2500RAM. If you corner like a race car driver (I tend to) do you feel like you're going to flip?

Help a woman out. I'm at a loss. The ones we looked at today were the Honda, the Dodge and the Chrysler. I didn't like the Honda after looking at the Dodge and Chrysler. We aren't in any hurry. We just want to know. You know?

Thursday, May 22, 2008

False Alarm?

Yeah. So. I don't think it's chicken pox. So, the pharmaceutical manufacturers are safe from my wrath today. So far.

The bumps from yesterday are gone. He has a few others. I did give him an antihistamine last night though. Could it be allergies? They were mowing yesterday and the wind was blowing OUT OF CONTROL.

I don't know. It isn't bothering him. No fever. It doesn't look terrible. If it gets worse throughout the day today, I'll call this afternoon. And give him some more antihistamine.

You really did want to know about the little bumps didn't you? Really. I couldn't leave you all in the dark thinking that my poor child had chicken pox. Because really it would be poor me. As long as it isn't chicken pox, I can LEAVE THE HOUSE! yeah!

Wednesday, May 21, 2008


Please, Please, Please tell me my kid does NOT have chicken pox. He can't, RIGHT? RIGHT?

You see, in December, I took him to the doctor, and they got out all the little vials with the medicines and the mercury, and the needles. I stood by while they stabbed his perfect little thighs until his face turned the color of blood, and dogs cowered throughout Nebraska from the sounds that escaped his mouth.

I didn't really want to give him the chicken pox shot. Neither did my husband. I did it, though, because the doctor said he wouldn't be let into kindergarten if he didn't have the shot, and it was safe, and blah blah blah.

So. Tell me, these little pimply looking insect bites that are on his abdomen are something else. They've gotten worse since this morning. If they're still there tomorrow, I'm calling the doctor tomorrow. (Ha, I took him to the doctor last Monday. I wonder WHERE he got the freakin' disease!) Also, who do I complain to that the vaccine didn't keep my kid from getting the chicken pox. I paid good money for that shot.

I'm itchy all over now. yuck.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

He's speaking to me again...

It happens, you know. The Lord talks to us. You just have to be quiet and listen, unwilling to push aside that little voice that calls out to you.

The other day I was putting black oak tag in Little Monster's window to keep the light out --so that he will nap, and so that he will go to bed on time. As I was doing this, I noticed that no matter how hard I tried to keep out the light, it still found places to sneak in. That light is just like our Lord. No matter how hard I try to keep Him out, no matter how much I try to ignore what He is telling me, that light keeps peeking its way back in. It reminds me that there is hope. Because no matter how dark our world gets, no matter how much we try to keep Him out of everything (including Church these days), He's still there, peeking in. It's easier to get rid of the dark. You turn on a light, light a match or a candle.. But, have you ever tried to keep out the light? It's much harder. It isn't always easy, to fend off the dark, but it is easier if you keep His light with you.

Some days, especially these past few have been difficult. It isn't easy staying at home with a toddler, when I'm used to being out in the world, earning money and contributing to the household. So often, I forget that my contribution to our household doesn't always have to be in dollars and cents. My contribution is in the things I do every day. I still, though, feel like I'm not contributing enough to our world. I need to do more.

I have been praying for help, places for me to contribute. Today, it seems, no matter where I turn, there is a message. I have been involved with a local bible study, and have been praying to be a help where I can. I talked to someone today, and the thing they need help with, I can do. I am good with computers, and they need someone to help with that.

Our speaker today talked about Proverbs 31:10-31. The virtuous woman. Sure, this woman seems to have it all together, but she is only able to do all the things she does because she trusts in the Lord. Then, I come home, and I open my Email, and found this. I have been reading that blog for a while, and have read some good things, but today the message seemed to SHOUT something to me. The same message I got today from the speaker. Thank you.

Then, I opened up my Google Reader, and read this. Another blog I read often, and her message today seemed to SHOUT to me. You see, I have been afraid to post about the spiritual turmoil going on within me. I have been afraid people will be turned off and quit reading, running away. After reading that blog, I realized that perhaps I shouldn't worry about those who WOULD be turned off, and maybe worry about that one person, who needs to hear the message I am being asked to send out.

So, today, Lord. Thank you for this. Thank You for shouting at me when I don't want to listen. I know it is because You love me. Because You love all of us, and in the end, you want us all to be with You.

Monday, May 19, 2008

Bathtime Conversations

We've been trying to get Little Monster to sing the ABC's.. or something along those lines. He now refers to ALL Letters and Numbers as "S." Here's how our bathtime sing-along went:

Not the Momma: AAAA

Little Monster: EEEES

Not the Momma: AAAAAA

Little Monster: EEEESSSSSS

Not the Momma: AAAAAA

Little Monster: EEESSSS

Not the Momma: BEEEE

Little Monster: ESSSS

Not the Momma: BA BA BA

Little Monster: BA BA BA

Not the Momma: BA BA BEEE

Little Monster: BA BA ESSSSS

Sunday, May 18, 2008

It's In the Ketubah!

What is that you say? A ketubah is a Jewish marriage contract. I was introduced to what this was when I worked for an start-up ID card company made up of people born in Israel. It was quite a learning experience. I learned a lot about the Jewish religion and culture.

I was all about the ketubah. I wanted to know why I, married in a Christian Church, did NOT get a ketubah. A document where my husband promises to honor, and cherish me. You know? Then I remembered that we took those vows before God (twice, for us, in fact), and I'm pretty sure he's going to hold us to our verbal agreement.

The reason I bring this up is that the accountant at the company used to tell colorful and wonderfully hilarious stories about how she had to remind her husband that killing spiders was "IN! THE! KETUBAH!" Which, in turn, meant that he was pretty much forced by God to kill the spider or else he was going to Hell. Maybe I'm being a bit dramatic here, but bear with me.

I surmised, when I met Not the Momma, that he'd be brave and strong, and killer of all things small and creepy. Come ON! This guy is 6'5" and over 200 pounds. He's trained with SEALS in order to fight terrorists and evil in the world. Surely, he could manage the small and creepy things too, right? How wrong was I? Usually end up being the one to smash things with my shoe and wiping up the guts off of the wall while he runs around screaming KILL! IT! KILL! IT! in a voice that definitely should NOT come out of a man with his body type. He didn't even have the balls heart to kill the gophers that are driving our dogs nuts either. I've tried telling him that it's in the ketubah that he is in charge of smashing all things creepy, but usually it doesn't work. You know, on account of the fact that we're not Jewish, and don't have a ketubah.

On occasion, though, he'll prove that he is, in fact, a manly-man and kill something. Friday was that night. He stood up on the ottoman and killed the small-ish spider that was thinking about jumping on me from the MOVING ceiling fan. I have a feeling it is because he really wanted the creepy thing to be dead, and alas, I am too short to reach the ceiling.

My dear friends... If you ever wanted to know why G4 TV is evil, it's because it has totally ruined this post. I had a plan. I had a thought. and the stupid channel, with it's Japanese obstacle courses, and people telling me that Wii is not exercise (LIES! LIES! ALL LIES I TELL YOU!) it has distracted me from completing my thoughts in any sort of coherent way.

Oh, that's right. I remember now.. If I could have a ketubah, it would most definitely be required that Not the Momma kill all things creepy and crawly. And that he wouldn't fart in bed (even if I do have the ability to buy this blanket.) If you had a ketubah, what silly things would you require to be in it? Or, if you are Jewish and do have a ketubah, what silly things should be in it, but aren't?

Saturday, May 17, 2008

Warning... Rant ahead!

I have been stewing over this article for quite some time. There is something inherently wrong with the world when a 400+ pound prisoner (Oh, I’m sorry. 300 pounds now, he’s lost a few in jail), put into jail for BEATING, STABBING, AND KILLING A MAN, THEN SETTING HIS HOUSE ON FIRE, has the gall to file a lawsuit about the food (or lack thereof) he’s being served while in prison. This is just wrong on so many levels. Sure, he has the right to sue, but LORD help me if this man wins.

I don’t want our prisoners to lose their rights to fair trials, humane treatment. I’m not for starving our prisoners, or cruel punishments. No, I just want them to be treated like people who have committed crimes. I want people to be punished for the crimes they commit.

I don’t feel sorry for this man who is getting FREE medical care while in jail. How many people in our country go without? How many people in our country struggle to pay their medical bills? What crime have they committed? None. I don’t feel sorry for thiskiller who wants to complain about how little he is being fed for FREE while in prison. There are people in our world who are starving. Right Now. People are eating dirt in Haiti. Not because they did anything wrong, but because they are struggling with a food crisis. Food is so expensive that most people can't even afford the staples they need to live on. I don’t feel sorry for this man one bit, because the food his prison rejects, the hamburger that the prison deems ‘unfit’ to be eaten, where do you think that goes?

Any guesses?

The boxes of food that are supplied to US Navy ships (if not all branches of the military) are labeled “GRADE D MEAT. NOT FIT FOR PRISONER CONSUMPTION.” That’s right. (I've seen them.) The military, people who are doing us a favor, serving our country are being fed food that is rejected from the prison system. The very people who fight to protect the prisoner's right to keep their limbs when they steal, to ensure that they receive a fair trial, are being fed the food that is not good enough for the murderers, rapists, and thieves of our country.

So, No. I don’t feel sorry that my tax dollars are not going to keep this obese murderer from feeling ‘hungry; and ‘weak.’ I instead, mourn for the family of the person that he killed, I mourn for that man’s children, wife, mother, father. I’d bet that dead man would willingly be served small, cold meals for the rest of his life if it meant he got to live it.

I could go on forever, but I won’t. I’ll leave it at this: Perhaps if our country worried just a little more about the people who aren’t committing heinous crimes and their healthcare we’d be a little better off. If our country worried just a little more about what our children are being fed in the school systems (both educationally and in the cafeteria), we wouldn’t have so many people entering our prisons. Perhaps if our prisoners weren’t treated quite as well while they are incarcerated, fewer people would end up there.

Friday, May 16, 2008

You know you're married when....

you find this and actually consider purchasing it. Because it couldn't have a more appropriate name...

Because, really, what's better than a marriage where you can sleep next to your spouse trading farts without having to smell them?

Um, Dad... you should totally figure out a way to make pants out of these blankets. Then you could fart in the kitchen whenever you wanted!

P.S. If you're married, and you don't think this is a good idea... You just haven't been married long enough!

Friday Fun

The Caffeine Click Test - How Caffeinated Are You?
Created by OnePlusYou

I'm slacking today. Not enough caffeine. Too much sun.

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Is this for real?

New Kids On The Block are back?

Some Like It HOT!

I'm one of them. Today was pure heaven for me. It was hot. HOT. HOT! I tell you!

That's one thing about living on the central coast of California. It just doesn't get hot here. It hovers in the 60s and 70s from about march through October. Then it hovers in the 50s and 60s. So, when I got up this morning and took Little Monster to the park, and it was hot enough to make me sweat on the two-block walk, we came home. And got out the wading pool. I drowned the kid in sunblock, and then let him run around the front yard in his rash guard and swim diaper. He got in the water, played, splashed, got out (wearing only one shoe most of the day), drove in his car, climbed in my lap sopping wet, got back in the water, splashed, got out, drove in his car, climbed in my lap sopping wet, ran around like a crazy boy, saying 'bye bye' repeatedly to anyone within sight until they either left his sight, or said 'bye-bye' back.

It was a beautiful day. I FINISHED! A! BOOK! soaked my feet in the wading pool and let my arms get blissfully sunburned...

We'll probably get one to two more days of this before it goes back into the sixties again, and I am going to soak. it. up. Little Monster is going to think I'm nuts. What's on the agenda for tomorrow? Running through the sprinkler, freeze-pops for snack, and no schedules. Heat. Sun. Fun.

Maybe getting orders in Hawaii wouldn't be so awful after all.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

Annoying Mosquitoes

I'm not even talking about the wee vampirical bugs that like to steal my life force from my ankles and drive me batty with the itchy aftermath of their dinner...

I'm talking about this. Ring tones that only teens can hear. WHOO HOO! Teens can finally trick adults into believing they aren't on the phone!

There are a few flaws that perhaps teens might not notice. While your parents can't hear your new 'ring tone' they may perhaps notice one of the behaviors that generally follow a ring*: 1) checking to see who is calling. 2)answering the phone. It may be just me, but there's something about having that phone stuck to your ear and the conversation that just gives you away. We don't really believe that you are still 2 and pretending to carry on a conversation into a phone that we took the battery out of so you would quit stealing the working cell phone.

Apparently there are ring tones that us geezers can't hear. I was not so sure.. I mean, COME ON.. I'm no geezer. Then I went here. My hearing is good. I only went to a few rock concerts as a teenager, and of course I didn't listen to my Walkman at top volume constantly. I should be able to hear ALL of the tones, right?

I'm not quite sure what happened, but I couldn't hear anything below the top four rings. WHAT?! My mind went back to that time at that one concert where I accidentally licked some guys back and thought, it was surely that EdgeFest that brought me to my deaf state. Not the Momma was curled in a ball laughing because I was nearly in tears because I was so ear-old for my age.

Then I tried them again... I honestly heard them the second time around. Why in the world I didn't hear them the first time, I have no clue. But I really did hear them the second time. I'm serious. I did! As I tell Not the Momma. I tell the truth. The TRUTH does NOT require that you believe it for it to be TRUE! I heard them the second time around, which scares me a little more than if I'd never heard them. Was my brain turned off the first time? Was I listening SO hard, that I missed the tone? DO I HAVE A TUMOR THAT CAUSES ME TO ONLY HEAR HIGHER FREQUENCIES INTERMITTENTLY?? It's probably the third.

I imagine it's going to be some good times walking around hearing these high pitch sounds going off all over the place as kids try to 'hide' the fact that their phone is ringing from us stupid adults. Just one more thing for my geezerly wrinkled, technophobe (ha!) self to grumble about as I shake my cane** at "you dern kids!" at the mall.

All of this talk about Mosquitoes has made me incredibly itchy. And all this talk of me being old has me well, itchy as my husband would say... Only when he says Itchy, it means the same thing as that word with a B in front of it. Time for a walk to the park to play on the slides and push Little Monster on the swings? I think so.

*I know, I haven't addressed texting and all of the complexities that little gem of technology has bestowed upon us. But in order to maintain the illusion that I am NOT 80 years old, I'll just pretend texting doesn't exist. I'll address it some other day.

**That was originally misspelled to say "can." If I started shaking my can at kids for using that ring tone I might actually be doing a public service. It might actually scare teens away from using the ring tone. It's much easier to dodge a long skinny stick than MY OLD BUTT. Teens throughout the zip code would warn of that crazy old lady who wiggles her derriere at you if she hears your mosquito ring tone, forcing them to go back to their Britney Spears and Christina Aguilera tones. (wait, I just proved I'm old again, didn't I?)

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

PrompTuesday #4

PrompTuesday Exercise #4. I had lots of trouble with this one, but I think it turned out okay. I think I'm still set on Mother's Day around here. I feel a teeeeny bit guilty that the cards went out late, and parts of the gifts aren't going to get there until well after May is over. So, maybe that is why my mind drifted the way it is. Or, maybe it is because my mom rocks.

My entry:

I don't really know what to write about my first male love. I can't remember much of him. His name was Jeremy. He punched me in the eye at the bus stop when I was peer pressured into calling him a "sissy girl." I still feel guilty about that poor kid, and how nasty I was to him. I think that our relationship changed after that. My mother always smiles and giggles about the trouble the two of us caused. They had to sit us at separate tables because we would giggle and hold hands, unable to pay attention to the teacher.

My first love, my first real love, was my mother. You see, she has always, always been there for me. I can call her at 2:00AM from thousands of miles away because some crazy man has been beating on my door, and 911 hung up on me. I can rely on her to be there to help me give birth to my children, and even help raise them. I am pretty certain that I could ask her to do just about anything, and she'd do it. That's the kind of mom she is. I know, I'm very lucky.

She's not always in the front of my mind, but often, waiting in the shadows, hovering there, helping me. Her presence helps me make decisions, and when I have a hard time, I know I can always think "What would my mother do if she were here?" When I don't know what she'd do, I can call and ask. And she'd tell me.

According to, the definition of beauty is the quality present in a thing or person that gives intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind… My mother is that beauty that hangs in my head, hiding in the shadows of my mind and my heart, helping me, guiding me along, even when she doesn't know it. My mother is the Beauty in the Shadows..

Devo or Village People...

What do you think?

i'm dying behind the camera


Sunday, May 11, 2008

2 down, dunno how many left to go...

Right before I left for my HEAVENLY! Mother's Day Pedicure, we found a new and FRESH gopher hole. Fresh, as in dirt was flying from the hole, fresh. As I was leaving, Not the Momma was preparing to flood the hole and catch this gopher.

While on my way to get my HEAVENLY! pedicure, I got a text message.
The text message summed up how the gopher had been 'exterminated.' Not the Momma was watching all of the holes nearby when a large bird swooped down from the tree behind our house. There was some scruffling, and then Not the Momma saw this:

Sure, that isn't the right kind of bird, nor is it our backyard, or even a picture taken by us... But have you ever tried to get that on film when you're standing in shock with your jaw on the ground? Yeah, I didn't think so.

Mother's Day... The Conclusion...

73 people responded to this blog. 73 People said that what Jennifer said she wanted was exactly what they wanted. I certainly hope that some other Dad's got the memo.

I didn't expect much for today. I had hoped that I would get to sleep in, perhaps a little gift, a card, and go out to eat. What I didn't expect?

I didn't expect the gifts, or anything else that followed. I didn't expect that I would get up this morning to find Not the Momma had already fed Little Monster, and that he was sharing Saturday Morning Cartoons. I didn't expect:

  • that Not the Momma would take care of the dishes before I got up
  • to take a long leisurely shower, in which I could shave.
  • to be able to get ready this morning without a hassle
  • that Not the Momma would get Little Monster ready to go
  • an absolutely fabulous Brunch, in which I was treated like a Queen by all of the staff.
  • Little Monster to sit happily and quietly, munching on his bowl of fruit and bacon while I age my brunch.
  • Not the Momma to take care of feeding and entertaining Little Monster when he got tired of being good at brunch
  • to not have to change one. single. diaper.
  • to have a wonderful pedicure this afternoon, followed by a haircut. Both things I've been craving and complaining about.
  • to come home and find that Not the Momma had predicted what I wanted for dinner, and had it ready to go into the oven.
  • that when I got home, Not the Momma was actually doing what I'd been reminding him to do all day -- call his mother.
  • that when I told Little Monster (jokingly, of course) that if he wanted to poop in the bathtub, today would be the day to do it, because I wasn't fishing it out, since it's Mother's Day, he'd actually poop in the tub.
  • Not the Momma to actually fish the poop out of the tub without gagging.

Today was an absolutely marvelous day. I had a chance to read! a! book! (well, start one) while getting my pedicure (HEAVEN!). My hair is freshly trimmed in a shorter cut. I haven't had to wipe a butt, or lift a finger to do anything unless I wanted to. And, the house? It isn't in any worse state than it was before the weekend started... In fact, it's probably just a little bit cleaner. Not the Momma has already started on the laundry.

So, apparently, he's learned a lot, that husband of mine. Kudos! And great job. Now, don't forget. Now that I know what you're capable of, I'll expect at least as much next year.

Happy Mother's Day!

Happy Mother's Day Moms!

I have only been a mother for a short time. In that short time, however, I have realized how much goes into motherhood. How you can look at your child, and have so many mixed emotions. Never before becoming a mother have I felt this way about anyone. I love my son more than I ever thought possible, and raising him has (and I'm sure will continue to be) one of the most joyous, painful, wonderful, distressful things I've ever done.

I watch him grow up and swell with pride at each and every new step, word, and smile. At the same, time, though, my heart breaks at the loss of the infant who grew into a baby, it breaks because of the loss of the baby who has grown into a toddler. Each time my heart breaks, it heals itself, growing a little larger each time, increasing its capacity for love. Each time he learnes something new, he takes a step towards independence

Since becoming a mother, my body has become softer, but that's only because it now is a place of comfort for a crying tot. My mind is more forgetful, but that's only because I need to be able to forget the pain of childbirth, and the pain of watching Little Monster grow up.

Today is the day we celebrate the sacrifices our Mothers made for us. Be those sacrifices jobs, dreams, larger paychecks, perfect breasts and flat stomachs, hot meals, hours upon hours of sleep, late nights out, hobbies and part of ourselves.

Happy Mother's Day. To all of you. For your sacrifices, your love, and your ever-breaking hearts. Because you deserve it Moms!

Friday, May 09, 2008

Friday Fun...

The fact that I didn't get 100% on this really really bugs me. REALLY REALLY Bugs me. I want to know what word I mispelled and go back and fix it.

Are you Serious?


People give away free stuff all the time. But never has anyone ever given away a Benjamin... to TAR-ZHEY!!! The mostest beautifulest store in the whole world. The place where, I can browse those $1 bins for an hour and find thirty things I want need. The place where they sell the diapers for Little Monster at the best price. The place where I actually bought my Wii, because they rock and actually had one. The place that is about 3 miles from my house. And has a Starbucks in it.


So I'm entering for this giveaway. Because, DUDE! This is SO! EASY!

So, Now that I've entered, you can to. But if you win, I'll totally come over and kick your butt for stealing my Archer Farms Vanilla Cinnamon Nut Coffee!

Why my relationship with blogger just keeps getting better!

First, Flickr allows videos (albeit short, but hey, I'm not about to start posting movies). Then, Blogger goes and allows scheduled posting.

Blogger, I think I'm in love with you. Shhh, don't tell my husband, he already suspects.

Thursday, May 08, 2008

I still haven't learned...

That when my husband says.. "Hey, I'm taking you somewhere. It's kind of a surprise, Mother's Day Part I. You might want to put on some nicer clothes." I should listen. He knows me. He should, we've been married for almost six years. When Not the Momma says that, I should just say to myself "Shut up and do as he says." Nope instead, I whine about how I really don't want to change my clothes. Can't I go like this? Where are we going? Why won't you tell me? Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

That when my husband takes me to Macy's and says "You need some nice clothes for Mother's Day. This is Mother's Day Gift -- Part I." I should listen. He knows me. He should, we've been married for almost six years. When Not the Momma says that, I should just say to myself "Shut up and do as he says." Nope instead, I whine about how I have clothes at home that are nice. Why do we need to spend so much money on a dress? Dumb. Dumb. Dumb.

We settled on this, not too high price wise, and I feel nice in it:

I still haven't learned that when my husband takes me to Macy's and says "Don't worry about how much it costs. If you like it buy it." I should listen. He knows me. He should, we've been married for almost six years. When Not the Momma says that, I should just say to myself "Shut up and do as he says." Nope instead, I whine about we can't afford that outfit. I have nice clothes at home that I never wear. Why do I have to buy a new dress? I KNOW! HOW DUMB CAN I GET?

My husband has done more learning that I have during our marriage... Because when we were done picking out the dress, he looked at me and said. "Honey, don't you need a new pair of shoes to go with that dress?" I almost ripped off grubby t-shirt and jeans and gave it to him right there in the middle of Macy's in front of Little Monster, God and everyone. Instead we went downstairs. And I bought a new pair of shoes. Patent Leather pumps. Ooooh baby. They are even kinda comfy.

He even knows that when you buy a new outfit, sometimes you need to buy things to go under it.My husband has learned, and learned well. So, WHY can't I get it into my head that he knows me so well that he understands when I'm gong to want to be wearing nicer clothing than a grubby shirt, jeans and dirty sketchers? Why can't I get it into my head that when he tells me to get into the car that he's got something good in mind?

The best part of the evening though, was when I was arguing with him in Macy's. Not the Momma said that he and Little Monster had a plan, and that I need to quit whining and shop. When I sent him a 'look' that said I wasn't in the mood to shop (again, I know! how dumb!), Not the Momma told Little Monster that he needed to give me his sad face, so that I would find a pretty dress to wear. Little Monster put his head on Not the Momma's shoulder, and pouted. For REAL. And then, later in the evening at dinner, Not the Momma told me that the whole evening was Little Monster's idea. So I asked him: Little Monster, was shopping your idea. And he nodded in agreement. Stay tuned to find out what Mother's Day Part Two turns out to be. I don't know, but I'm excited, and I think it's going to be good!

Fun things to do in the morning...

... include crawling into the smallest space possible. Now I know I will no longer need to pay for plane tickets for Little Monster. After all, we have dog kennels. He'll be plenty happy playing in there, so long as he has some fruit snacks, perhaps some raisins or olives and some milk. (I know, olives... weird, huh?)

And then, there's the reason why I'm going insane. The reason why I long for 2PM, and 8PM. And yet, for some reason, it's also why I don't mind getting up in the morning these days.

Oh, don't you love it? Flickr now allows video uploads, even if they have to be short and small.

Totally Random Crap. I mean really random.

It has been a rough couple of weeks. Well, not really rough, let's say that it was like driving on a brick road instead of asphalt. No, not even that. Just weird.

Little Monster has learned how to shut doors. From the inside of a room. This isn't such a big deal, except that now we REALLY must make sure we are shutting bathroom doors. Twice he has locked himself into the hall bathroom. The first time he was in there for quite some time. I assumed he was with Not the Momma in the kitchen, and Not the Momma assumed he was with me in the living room. At least he didn't play in the toilet. The second time, we weren't so lucky. I heard splashing, and assuming he was into the dog's water came into the kitchen, but NOPE. No Little Monster. Yeauck!! I hadn't cleaned that toilet in a while. So, then I had to give him a bath. And clean the house all over. Because I felt dirty.

Grocery shopping has gotten a bit worse this week. It was mostly self-inflicted pain, but hopefully we'll save some money? We bought a membership to Costco. I have been avoiding that place like the plague, because a pack-rat, sale-lovin' woman does NOT need to be going somewhere that you can buy 100 cans of tuna! for $10! That's so cheap! We eat tuna! Let's buy it! See what I mean? Seriously though, we're saving .50 on a gallon of skim milk, and .70 on a gallon of whole milk. We just have to buy two gallons at a time. Not the Momma -- commence milk drinking! Let's just hope I don't fill up a closet with paper towels and toilet paper and think that's normal.

Then there's the commissary trip I took this week. It was fun. Really. I LOVE it when crabby old women GLARE at me for DARING to bring my child to the grocery store at 1pm (nap time is at 2pm). And GOD forbid, my child make a SOUND. He wasn't crying, he was honking and telling her to get her FAT A--- wait a minute, I don't talk like that. We was honking to remind her that yes, we were there too. Then, as I was picking out the tomatoes, he ate an avocado. Right off of the shelf. He STOLE an avocado, and just BIT right into it. We ate lunch before we left, but I'm guessing his wasn't enough. And forget that he had a baggie of goldfish crackers in the other hand. He did this RIGHT in front of stupid crabby old lady too. So, I'm trying to talk to him about it, meanwhile feeling her hot, angry sneers on my back. Fun times, fun times.

In the evenings, we've had a regular old Caddyshack episode going on. Which was all fun and games until we caught the darn thing. Now we're in shock. If it's still alive, it's still in that orange bucket in the garage. My job today is to take it to the 'wilderness' and set it free. I'm going to dump it by the bike trail. Hopefully he won't find his way home. It's a bit depressing being all talk and now show. I mean, if we'd burned him alive in his home, or drowned him it wouldn't have been a big deal. I would have had to dispose of 'body.' So, here we are, all bark, no bite, can't kill a rodent. Nice, huh? Not even Not the Monster will kill it. He said if it had ran from him, he would have stomped it, but it just stood there, so he couldn't do it (ie, the thing looked at him and he had time to THINK about the fact he was killing a LIVE thing).

That should be a lesson for my dogs. If Not the Momma appears as if he may kill you. Just stop. Sit on his foot and turn your eyeballs into glass and whimper a little. If he's spending all of his energy chasing you because you've dug a giant hole in pursuit of a gopher, his brain is only thinking "catch and kill!" But if you stop and look at him, he won't kill you. Just don't turn your back! ha ha. <-- That was funny. Not the Momma played softball last night. So. I was alone. In my house. After bedtime, and didn't know what to do with myself. I didn't wii, I just read my blogs. By the time I got to the point where I was commenting (I have some starred!), he came home. So, then I had to try to kick his butt at Mario Kart. I lost. THE SECOND TIME!! That means that the first time I so totally won. And, being as I am a LOSER at anything video games, it's kind of a miracle that I beat him. Funny, huh?

So, tonight we're back to normal? Whatever that is. The rodent is gone (hopefully there was only one!), The toilets are cleaned, and grocery shopping... It's worse than ever. Maybe I should take up a new hobby. Like putting puzzles together. But when would I find the time?

Wednesday, May 07, 2008

Now what do we do?

Now that we've seen it, we can't KILL it?! What do we do?

We were outside looking for Not The Momma's Softball mitt, when we noticed a new hole. Hmm, darn it. Then, after finding the mitt, we noticed dirt flying out of said hole. When we tried to flood, he tried to flee. He fled the wrong way.

So. Now what do we do? We're thinking of setting it free, somewhere far far away from here. If it gets eaten by a coyote, that's not our problem, right? Why do I suddenly feel guilty for trying to kill a rodent?

Tuesday, May 06, 2008

PrompTuesday #3

I am supposed to be cleaning the house. But one can only put up with cleaning up after an 18 month old and a grown man who cleans up after himself as well as one for so long... (I love you honey!!!)

Remember, PrompTuesday, courtesy of San Diego Momma? It's that time again. Wow the week went fast.

So, here's this week's PrompTuesday exercise:

You’ve been taken from your home, blindfolded and put on an airplane. After
what seems like forever, you’re led off the plane, and left to stand, alone. You
take off the blindfold and see this:

What’s behind the door?

I knocked on the door. It was crazy seeing this door here, in the middle of... Wiat? Where am I? I have to be somewhere with history. My thoughts were interupted as the door slowly creaked open. An eldery lady answered the door. She was very sweet, and explained the situation. This was a surprise, planned out by my husband for Mother's Day. I was going to spend a few days, here in Scotland without worries of cleaning or ID Cards or Little Monster snot getting wiped all over me. I had to hurry and shower, though, because apparently a spa treatment was waiting for me.

As I walked inside, I noticed that the Inn was very well put together. The furniture was antique and well maintained. The smell was wonderful. They must have been baking something in the kitchen. She showed me the grounds of the Inn, including their spa area, dining area, and finally my room. It was decorated beautifully. An antique four poster bed made out of cherry, a few chairs. There was a giant picture window that overlooked the mountains. Next to the window was a chair and a table with the things you'd need to make tea. This was going to be the best weekend ever. I tried to put aside the thoughts of how much this cost, and what the house was going to look like when I returned. I focused on the fact that I was here in Scotland again.

**Ding Ding**

The places that went in 10 minutes. Whew! Ugh. That was a fast 10 minutes. Time to start cleaning again!

Monday, May 05, 2008

A Meme, Courtesty of...

San Diego Momma because this and this should explain why I'd want to eat my face. Especially considering the fact that I didn't include the part of today where Little Monster lived up to his pseudonym by screaming for 45 minutes instead of napping, and then screaming for 20 minutes instead of going to bed. After screaming through all of our not so fun and relaxing Cinco De Mayo dinner.

What was I doing ten years ago?

This is going to show my age... Some people are going to gaff at how young I am, especially my husband. That's fine. ten years ago, I was screwing off. It was my senior year of high school, and I'll be d@mned if I was going to do anything. Senioritis. Yeah, I had it.

5 things on my “to do” list today:

1. Shower (done!)
2. Go to Costco and spend a small fortune on way too much crap I probably could live without. (done!)
3. Work on my ID stuff. (oops!)
4. Kill dog for digging under fence. (Don't worry PETA, I just gave her a stern talking to, and then gave her a bath -- torture! torture! I tell you!)
5. Kill gophers. (still working on it.)

Snacks I enjoy:
Roasted gophers. Oh, no, I'm seriously kidding. That sounds gross. If it contains chocolate, that'd be on my list. Also, guacamole and chips from Chipolte. And Ice Cream. And chocolate. Sometimes, Salty chips with french-onion dip. And Chocolate. M&Ms, Snickers, and did I mention Chocolate?

Things I would do if I were a billionaire:
Buy out the contract of my husband's career. Figure out how to do something to 'fix' some of the problems.. You know, all Bill Gates style, and then I'd pay someone to tell me how to wear my makeup. Like, what colors to wear... because If I'm rich I'll be having galas that I'll need to wear makeup to. And I'd have a Mustang. And one helluva kicka$$ kitchen.

5 places I have lived:
California(as a baby), Nebraska, Rhode Island, Virginia, Nebraska (second time, after moving away), California (as an adult). Funny. Seems kinda circular, doesn't it?

5 bad habits:
1. Being mean to Not the Momma. I don't pay enough attention to him.
2. This blog.
3. Being a slob.
4. Cracking my knuckles
5. Reading blogs and my message board.

5 jobs I have had:
1. Dairy Queen -- Had this job through high school. Best. Job. Ever. Free ice cream. Why do I not weigh 3000 pounds? I don't know... but it was the tastiest (and most fun) job ever.
2. Hotel housekeeper -- the antithesis to job number one. Nastiest. Job. Ever. I think that Mike Rowe could easily do a whole episode on "dirtiest jobs" with this one.
3. Hotel front desk -- Yeah, that was fun while it lasted. worked during college, late hours, no waking early.
4. IT support -- Job where I was the laziest. I answered the phone and put out 'fires' because people were too stupid to know how to run their computers.
5. Preschool Teacher -- Um, this one would have been the best. job. ever. if it wasn't so stressful and if I hadn't been working there during a 'regime shift.'
(No, I am not including my current employment. No Dooce-ing going on over here!)

Um, I'm not good at the whole tagging thing.. Usually what ends up happening is I run around the yard with my arms out and then end up crying in a heap because everyone runs faster than me and I'm destined to be "it" for the rest of my life. So, Yeah, If you want to put your head on the chopping block, then go for it.

Caddyshack 2008 - Part Two

We, my friends, have a gopher problem. Today the situation came to an acme when Kleenex, our female dog, escaped. I was writing a different entry for today, about our crappy internet, when there was a knock on the door. My friendly neighbor was over to inform me that the dogs, er I mean, ONE dog had escaped the confines of my yard. It was a little disturbing that only ONE dog was out… Even more disturbing was the fact that the gate was still latched and locked. She had DUG A HOLE UNDER THE FENCE. I almost started crying thinking about what Not the Momma was going to do to that naughty little puppy (I’m pretty sure withholding dessert wouldn’t be his plan). She knew she was in trouble, so she just came right over when she saw me, hoping to keep herself out of any more trouble. (Is it wrong that before I filled the hole in, I seriously considered taking photographic evidence… for the blog. I only decided against it because that would be exploiting my pets for my own selfish desire. Also – my pets deserve their privacy.) Surprisingly, Not the Momma wasn’t mad about the giant gaping hole under the fence. I did try to fill it in a bit, though, and spent the afternoon filling all the gopher holes with water. Later in the evening, after a great Cinco De Mayo dinner at the Whole Enchilada (great Mexican food, by the way), we saw it. Well, Chewie started whining at the backdoor. Not the Momma looked out, and saw the dirt flying up where the gopher was digging a hole. So, we sicked the dogs on it. Kleenex was digging and growling and digging and growling and growling and digging. Chewie was running around frantically. It was crazy. But now, we’re at a loss for what to do to get rid of the darn things.

Ways we’ve tried to kill the gophers:

*Drowning them with lots and lots of water. (didn’t work, apparently.)
*Collapse their runs. Yeah, that isn’t working either.
*Hack at them with the pointy end of a mattock after trying to drown them and collapse their caves. (This one is particularly ineffective, especially if you’re dressed up in a long skirt, and screaming obscenities. On a positive note, the neighbors had some entertainment for their Cinco De Mayo party… NO this didn’t happen tonight!? ß Sarcasm)
*Sacking the dogs on them. Kleenex likes this one. She’s been trying to kill the things herself for weeks. (Not the Momma says: She killed a mouse when we were camping… She has the taste of blood!) Unfortunately, she’s only gotten into trouble for digging the holes bigger. And today, she dug UNDER THE FENCE trying to eat the rodent. She didn’t run away though. And that’s why she’s still alive… That and because Little Monster kinda likes her.

Ways we’ve contemplated, but have not yet attempted to kill the bastards. (Either because we haven’t had time, or we’re still contemplating the operational risk)

*Suffocation: We could suffocate them by piping propane into their burrows.
*Incineration: Following the suffocation up with a lighter could prove to be very successful. However, we’re a bit concerned about unexploded ordinance and the collateral damage aspect. We’d hate to blow up the neighbor’s house by mistake.
*Poison: Not really a fan of this one, because of the fact we have dogs, and small children.
*Guillotine Traps: They’re kind of expensive. Not to mention, that’s kind of a boring way to do it. Boring isn’t really something we’re ‘into’ in our house.

So, any suggestions about how to creatively, (and maybe even slightly inhumanely) get rid of our gopher problem?

I’m kidding about that inhumane thing. Sort of. No, seriously, I really am. Kidding.

Caddyshack 2008

Sometimes I don't blog because I'm depressed. Other times, it's because I have nothing to say. This time, though, I've honestly been busy. I have looked like this several times today.

More to come later. Oh, and don't tell PETA I'm trying to kill the bastards that are teasing my dogs into digging giant holes in the yard.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Makeup Schmakeup

has been my attitude for a long time. Probably too long.

Right now, my routine is the same as it was in high school: Wash face in shower, moisturize, under eye concealer (for those dark circles from allergies and no sleep), eye liner (brown, from outer edge of bottom lid to center only), mascara. If I'm feeling 'dressy' I'll add some eye shadow in a shade of brown.

It takes all of about 3 minutes. If I take my time. So, now, I want to wear a bit of lipstick, and figure out how to get my eyebrows to look 'right.' But I end up looking a little too much like this:

image borrowed from these guys.

And not enough like this:

image borrowed from these guys


Granted, I'm no Lauren Graham, but still. I should be able to get those glossy lips, and do something about my eyebrows without looking like Baby Jane? How do I figure out what colors to wear? I am too chicken to go to the Clinique counter and get one of those 'free' makeover thingies, because I'd end up buying $4000 worth of makeup, and then end up spending a lot more money trying to fix the fact that I spent more money than he makes in a month on foundation that I'll wear once a month or so.

So, what do I do? Not the Momma's answer is nothing. I'm fine the way I am. I don't buy that. Oh, and that pic was taken on one of my 'pretty' days. It's actually a decent picture, in good light.

At any rate. Tell me. Fill me in on this whole 'makeup' bit. How did you learn to wear makeup?

Now we HAVE to keep the dogs...

I have to give you some history here: We have gophers. Stupid, stupid gophers who are digging under our yard, encouraging our dogs to try to dig out their holes and catch them. After all, they're rodent dogs; that's what they're bred for. Kleenex got caught hunting one out last night, buried up to her chest in the hole. Then she snapped at Not the Momma when he grabbed her by the tail. (The right way to get them out of the hole, that's why their tails are cropped short. I swear he wasn't being mean.) She slept in her Kennel last night.

Now I'll set the scene: Not the Momma got Little Monster out of his crib at 7:30 this morning after he cried for a bit, brought him to bed and turned on cartoons.

Little Monster crawled to the foot of the bed where the dogs sleep in their beds on top of a chest.


Translation: No Kleenex?! (with tones of shock and sadness) KLEEEEEENEEEEX!! (as in Come here dog!)

So. No matter how naughty the little rats are, we have to keep them. Because I just wouldn't be able to bear hearing that No Kleenex? Every morning. I would not be able to look into those big blue eyes and tell him that we got rid of his dogs because they are naughty. Not that we were ever really planning on getting rid of them -- we just threaten them with that. Now we can't even threaten, because soon enough, Little Monster will be able to understand.

Friday, May 02, 2008

Friday Fun...

I'm kind of getting bored of the whole "Friday Fun" thing. There are only so many quizzes out there worth taking. I mean, how can you possibly beat "the kindergarten fight" and "would you eat your buddies?" I swear I had an idea last night. It was a good idea too. The best idea EVER! But, like many of my best blog entries, it entered into my head as I was falling asleep and disappeared into the void that is my brain these days.

So, for today, I'm still doing the silly quiz. But just beware. Friday Fun is getting ready to undergo a makeover. (At least something around here is -- I am definitely in need of one!) I'm also in need of a drink. A good one. Probably a Colorado Bulldog... Maybe even tonight? (Kahlua, Cream, and Coke. mmmm)


Ah, Not the Momma would be so proud to know that when he calls me a Lush (any time I have a drink -- that is, about once a month or so these days), he's actually speaking the truth.


I do think <-- she's right. Let's have some conversatin' going on... No need to HAVE a blog, just get your comments ON! May 25th through June 25th. Hopefully I can keep up! I know I am heading East sometime in the middle of those dates, but I'm pretty sure I can keep up. After all, it isn't hard.


1. Go to her site and tell her you're going to participate.
2. MARK your Calendar! From May 25th through June 25th, leave 5 comments per day, and return 1 comment per day (total of 6 comments per day.. not too hard!)

There are more rules, and all that. So be sure to check out her site! It should be FUN!

Thursday, May 01, 2008

We nearly starved...

... Because I REFUSED to go to the grocery store today. Well, not really anything close to starving, because we do have food. We're just out of Cheerios. That could be an issue tomorrow morning when Little Monster realizes I don't have any yummy oat cereal.

Back to my point. Why did I refuse to go to the grocery store today? There are lots of reasons. The first of which being that it is pay day for military folks, and we shop at the commissary. Which means EVERYONE will be there. And by EVERYONE, I mean EVERYONE. But by EVERYONE, I mostly mean the people who are over 80. I know, I'm being an ass here, but a lot of those really old people, they. w---a---l----k v---e---r---y s---l---o---w---l---y. Not as slowly as my Art teacher in 7th Grade talked (that's a story for another day), but close enough.

I am sure some day I am going to be one of those really old people (God willing!) who walks v---e---r---y s---l---o---w---l---y through the aisles of the grocery store, but for now, I'm still young (and cruel, mean and evil) enough to despise the fact that they are taking 30 minutes to go 15 feet. It wouldn't be such a big deal if I liked grocery shopping. If I didn't mind staring at that pile of tomatoes until my eyes popped out... But I don't like grocery shopping. It's a lot of work. A. LOT. of work. There is a LOT of preparation that goes into grocery shopping. Are you ready for this?

First, I have to make a menu for the week. Duh, so that I know what to BUY!! Because Not the Momma is trying to lose weight -- like always -- so that he'll measure in for the military PRT thingy-ma-bob, I'm trying to make sure that we're getting healthy eats. He'd be happy eating lettuce with light dressing and tuna every meal for a month. I, on the other hand, need a bit of variety. So, I have to dig through cookbooks and find 'healthy' things that taste good, or find not-so-healthy things and think of ways to modify them to be healthier.

When I've finished deciding what we're going to have, I write the 'menu' down on a 3x5 card, specifying which days we're 'supposed' to eat what. (Oh, and I also make sure to write down the page number and cookbook that I found the recipe in)

Then, there is the most dreaded, most grossest job of all. Above chocolate, raisin and olive diapers. (Have you ever changed a child's diaper after they ate an unhealthy amount of olives and raisins, washed down by chocolate milk? It's not pretty) Cleaning out the fridge. Yeaaauuuuck. I often keep a shovel or an axe handy to smack the things that crawl out of the tupperware in order to try to eat the dogs. Cleaning out the fridge is then followed by loading the tupperwares into the dishwasher. Simple enough, except that the dishwasher usually needs to be emptied, because I'm lazy.

Then, I start the REAL grocery list. Not the list I made when I was picking out the recipes, but the real grocery list. The list is made up of all of the things on my 'recipe' list, plus the 'other' necessary stuff like goldfish crackers, diet soda, cheerios, diet soda, milk, cheerios, diet soda, frozen waffles, diet soda, cheerios and lunch stuff. Did I mention Cheerios and diet soda? On top of those things, there's the random stuff that Not the Momma was certain that we needed at some point in the week, even if he didn't write it down. Oh yeah, and that list? It has to be in the order that I will find the stuff in the store -- well, at least grouped appropriately... so that I'm less likely to get through the entire store and have to go back for that one stupid lemon. That, and because I hate getting stuck in front of the Oreos while trying to find that item, THAT ONE that needs to be crossed off. Because it means three bags of double stuffs get shoved into the cart. Little Monster's fault. I swear!

When we get to the store, we get the spaceship cart, so Little Monster can steer. He's less likely to put random things into the cart if he's distracted with the two steering wheels. He eats his baggie of cheerios while we're walking around the store. You know, eating like any 18 month old eats-- Grab 30 cheerios, put 3 in mouth, spill the other 27 onto the floor. My dogs love it, the other people at the grocery store, not so much. While we meander around, leaving a warped Hansel and Gretel trail of cheerios, people glare and look at me strange because I insist upon explaining everything to Little Monster... Except that one Mom. The one who looks like I feel and like I look, all bedraggled, arguing with her kids over WHY they don't need the 3 gallon jar of pickles. I watch people send her the same glares they send me. So I strike up a conversation, my way of letting her know that she's not alone, and that my kid acts that way too, that I too, hate grocery shopping, that I too, feel judged as I walk through the grocery store.

After an hour of shopping, we get to stand in THE LINE. The line that is nonexistent while I'm shopping, but somehow appears the second I am ready to leave. The line that wraps around the entire exterior of the store. The line that drags me by no less than 10 stands with no less than 15 kinds of cookies and snacks and yummy bad-for-me goodness. After we finally get to the checkout, I pray that the milk hasn't spoiled, I realize that I have no cash to tip the work-for-tips-only-baggers.

There's still the issue of unloading the groceries, putting them away, and getting Little Monster to eat something besides cheese and cheerios for lunch. That's a lot to deal with. So, I choose not to deal with it on the first and the fifteenth, when there will be 50 people there who can't walk faster than 10 feet per minute. I know, I'm cruel, I'm evil. But, I guess we'll all starve again tomorrow. Because I'm not going grocery shopping on Friday either. And I'm certainly not going over the weekend. We're going to starve this weekend.