Sunday, March 30, 2008

Car Conversations...

Not the Momma: Did you ever notice that now we call our parents "the Grandparents" instead of "the Parents?"

Mary: Yeah, that's because they are the grandparents.

Not the Momma: That makes us "the parents." And soon that means the he'll be "the parents" and we'll be "the grandparents." I'm not okay with that.

Mary: Um, we have a few years before that happens.

Not the Momma: Yeah, like 15.

Not the Momma may have been a math major, but I seriously hope his numbers are off on this one.

Saturday, March 29, 2008

UFC Unleashed...

UFC GF: I was dying!

UFC Competitor: You're not going to die

UFC GF: I haven't slept in three days! I haven't eaten in like a week! I'm f***** delirious.

UFC Competitor: And you, and you don't know...

UFC GF: I don't know what's wrong in my brain!

UFC Competitor: Would you please, would you please eat something. Like cottage cheese or some cheetos or something.

I am not making fun of her feelings. I get that she's depressed and sad. But seriously, someone hasn't eaten "in like a week" and is "f****** delirious" and you tell them to eat CHEETOS? I get the cottage cheese. Good choice. It's got protien, good fats, calcium... But Cheetos? Processed corn slop with all the nutrients fried right out, covered in processed cheese powder? Yeah. I haven't eaten in like a week. Gimme some cheetos!

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Mickey's Hell House. -- Warning... Long Post.

That's where we spent Monday night. I probably should say that we had a great time at Disneyland on Monday. We hit the Star Tours ride, Little Monster got to ride several rides, and enjoyed them all. His favorites were the River of the Nile boat tour and the fountain (not really a ride) outside of Mickey Mouse's house. We took him through the Haunted Mansion and the Buzz Light year Astro-whatever ride too. We ate lunch, and spent quite a bit of time walking around.

We had quite a bit of fun, despite the fact that most of the families we saw were in the midst of craziness. G liked to point out that this was the "Happiest Place on Earth," even though you wouldn't know it by watching the lady who got very angry with her six year old for not being able to carry an ENTIRE tray of food back to the table OR manage a stroller holding his 4 year old sister in an area that was smaller than most closets. Another Mother -- who obviously had an eating disorder -- passively aggressively made her daughter feel guilty for wanting to eat at this particular cafe'. "If they had just been able to take the mayonnaise off of the sandwich I'd eat, honey." "But, Mom, I'm soooo sorry. We can go somewhere else and eat. Let's go somewhere else." "No, honey, it's fine. I'll be okay. Just because I haven't eaten anything all day, doesn't mean you shouldn't get what you want." Happiest Place on Earth, right G? (As a side note, these events took place within about 5 minutes of each other in the same line.)

I was disappointed in the fact that I didn't see many 'characters' walking around. I expected to see Mickey and Minnie and Donald, etc. Nope. Not one. Not the Momma said they got to meet Darth Vader and Buzz Light year while G and I were in the Star Tours ride, but I didn't see them. We saw Cinderella's Fairy Godmother and Ariel (the Little Mermaid), sitting on her shell, but that was it. We were there for seven hours people. At one point during the afternoon we thought we'd go get a picture of Little Monster with Mickey Mouse. The line was an hour long and wrapped around the house, so we decided to return later in the day. When we returned later in the evening, there were no "Cast Members" around to tell us how long we'd wait to see Mickey. But the line wasn't wrapped around the house. In fact, it started INSIDE the house. Fine. Great, so we had less than an hour to get to Mickey.

We saw the sign from Mickey that said something along the lines of "Hi guys! Come on in and get a picture with me!"

Great! Time to go in and see Mickey! Yeah! So Excited! Little Monster is going to LOVE THIS!

We went into the house and found a zillion kids running around. Mickey had furniture and lists all over, but he was pretty clean all in all -- especially for a rodent. We got through the front entry. Then there was the Living Room. And the Office. And the Music Room. Then there was the Laundry Room. Somewhere in those rooms was a sign that said "I'm out back in the Barn in my studio! Come on through the backyard!" So, we went through the Laundry Room. And then there was the Tool Room. And the Mud Room. And the Back Yard. By this point, the kids were getting a bit more wired, and the parents were getting a bit Jaded. Every twisty turn of this house took you further and further into what felt like a trap. At one point G dropped the "F-Bomb" because we had gone through so many twists and turns and rooms. Every time we were promised "I'm just around the corner! Come on through!" The parents had started telling each other if they saw Mickey around the corner. With every turn, you could hear the sighs of the disappointed parents... and with every sigh of each parent, you could sense the kids getting even more twitchy.

We finally made our way through to the Barn where Mickey stores all of his scary old swimsuits and costumes. Did you know that Donald has a painting studio in there too? Yeah. I got to look at that for about 15 minutes. What awaited us? But another sign saying "You're almost there, just watch a movie!" What you didn't read was the other side of the page that said.. "HA HA SUCKERS YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE MICKEY!! THIS IS A BIG FREAKIN' JOKE AND IT'S ON YOU!"

At this point all of the kids around us had been waiting for so long that they were literally vibrating with excitement. Every turn promised them Mickey. They were very well behaved for the most part, but I was worried that they'd all start vibrating on the same frequency and shake the San Andreas fault loose. I didn't want to be around when California fell into the ocean. I wanted to be around to tell everyone that the destruction of one of the most populated cities in America was Mickey Mouse's fault.

After 45+ minutes of waiting with about 40 kids running around trying to cut in line, because after all, what 5 year old isn't excited to see Mickey, I saw it. The lovely green glow of an Exit sign. The sign that pretty much proved the existence of our Lord and Saviour. When I saw It, I shouted "EXIT! THERE IS AN EXIT! WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE!" I heard about three parents sigh with relief. We saw some people going out and there were no sirens, sprinklers or anything that would lead us to believe that it was an Emergency Only exit. Happily, I told another parent in line about the exit, and she went to escort her two girls out. After opening the door, she turned around, beet read with a shocked look on her face, slammed the door and stood there. I asked her what the deal was:

Me: What's wrong?

Mommy: Someone is using that as a 'potty' room.

Me: Oh, someone's changing a diaper?

Mommy: Uh, NO. Someone is pottying in that room.

At that moment the amount of oxygen dropped about 30% as the rest of the adults and I sucked in a collective gasp. About thirty seconds later, a man with his little boy came back through the exit door to regain their place in line. You could see the horror on everyone's faces as this father and son (the pottiers) walked through the crowd. Everyone let them through too. No one wanted to be associated with the people who defiled Mickey's house.

After that, we were all pretty much done. Done with Mickey. Done with his Hell House. And Done with Disneyland. We left. Because, around the next two corners... NO MICKEY. That meant a good 30+ minutes left until Mickey was going to be found.

I must apologize to EVERY PERSON and CHILD that got within about 10 feet of us on our way out. Not the Momma ran through that park pushing the stroller like I've never seen before. Many ankles were scuffed by the front wheel, and G and I were ducking and diving like we did in our crowded high school hallway to keep up. We were stringing together obscenities and cursing the blasted rodent in ways no one ever has before, all the while, laughing. Laughing like psycho killers do as they look down upon their prey. The three of us (mostly Not the Momma) were forming a plan to hunt down Mickey Mouse and any known associates and hold them down until they took a picture with Little Monster. It wasn't going to be pretty either. I was scared for every person wearing those Mickey hats... afraid Not the Momma was going to confuse them with the real mouse... And then, folks... It was going to be over. We would never be allowed in Disneyland again. But YouTube, they would have had fun with the video of 6'5" crazed man tackling Mickey Mouse, taking out his armed security guards and pummelling him in the face until he promised that he would take pictures with our kid. And then we'd make him promise to put a bathroom in his house. Because it's wrong to spend an entire day, hours, waiting to see one of your favorite characters, and then have to pee in the back hallway like criminals. Yeah. Happiest Place on Earth!

Sunday, March 23, 2008

Playing House

When I was a kid, I used to love playing house. I loved pretending to be an adult with my own home. Now, as an adult, that whole playing house thing, it isn't as fun as I used to think it would be. I hate vacuuming, doing the dishes and cleaning. I am not so big on the whole cooking every meal, taking care of the whims and needs of every one else all the time. It gets old. "Playing" has become more like work. And Exercise. And the Lord knows that I don't like to do either of those.

So, that is why we go on vacation, right? This week we're camping somewhere between L.A. and San Fransisco. And by 'camping' I mean, we're living in our fifth wheel in a glorified parking lot that has cable and internet (because I would die without the internet. Seriously.), power, water, and sewage. I don't have to leave to pee. That's the kind of camping I like. Oh, and it has a heater too. So, no. It so totally is not camping. It is moving.

Here, I don't mind the whole housekeeping bit. I actually vacuumed today because I wanted to. I cooked dinner, and enjoyed myself. Not the Momma *GASP!* Did the dishes, so I didn't have to, but I wouldn't have minded. I would have done them without complaint and enjoyed doing them. Why is it that in our house, these menial tasks seem like some sort of medieval torture to me, but when I'm here in the RV, they are fun? I can only guess that when we're in the RV "camping" it feels like I'm 'pretending' just a little. It's more like 'playing house' than actually living house. It reminds me of those days when I was 8, 9 and 10, bossing around my little sisters who always had to play the role of children (because, DUH, the oldest should ALWAYS be the Mommy).

It also helps that right now, if I opened the window, I could smell the sea air, and hear the waves break on the beach. If I wanted to, I could go outside and have a bon fire, complete with smores and that oh-so yummy smell of burning wood. It is days when we can get up and escape all of the chores that go along with real life, like mowing grass, laundry, etc. When the baby is napping this week, you'll catch my husband doing his homework, but where will I be? I'm going to walk the 100 yards to the ocean with my chair, my book, and a beer. I'm going to spend at least one hour a day doing nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Friday, March 21, 2008

Imagine American Idol...

only instead of singing, they are competing in an obstacle course. In Japan.

Not the Momma has been watching this show a lot lately. Which means, that as I'm sitting on the couch after Little Monster goes to bed, so am I. I am watching these people. At the beginning of the tournament, they show your average every day dorks and weirdos, wearing crazy costumes trying to compete against each other. Some are serious, though, and after all of the show-boaters (compare to the people who think they can sing but can't on American Idol) are eliminated, it becomes more of a sporting competition.

This. Is. Some. Crazy. Stuff.

Friday Fun

84%How Addicted to Blogging Are You?

yeah, i'm so totally in trouble next week when I am going camping and will have limited (if any) access to my internets!!!

My "God Pill." It started working...

Before I begin, I will post another silly quiz for "Friday Fun." I just have to say a few things first:
Today is Good Friday. Yesterday through Sunday, Easter Weekend, are probably the most important holidays in Christiandom. Even more important than Christmas. I'm not kidding. I read Daily Mantra's blog, Religion is the New Prozac a while ago. It led me to think about my experiences growing up, the Easter season, and everything going on in my life.

As a kid, we went to almost all of the Lent services. It gave me a great appreciation for how solemn yesterday and today are as far as Christian holidays go. The solemnity started Yesterday with Maundy Thursday. That service. It's hard to describe. In the church I went to as a kid, the service was normal until communion. After communion, there was the readings. Then the altar was stripped and we would go home. No fellowship, no hand shaking, no benediction or closing prayer and hymn. Just DARKNESS. and SILENCE. Because, Maundy Thursday is the day that commemorates the Last Supper, the night that Jesus was betrayed, sealing His fate that He was to be crucified. (Our service order was much like this one.)

Good Friday, of course is today. Today is the commemoration of His death and crucifixion. Today is the MOST important holiday as far as most Christians are (or should be ) concerned. Today is the day that Jesus died. Today is the day He descended into Hell. I grew up speaking the words of the Apostles Prayer in Church, which tells us all how "...[He] was crucified, died and was buried. He descended into Hell. On the third day He rose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God, the Father Almighty..." Knowing this, that's what makes Maundy Thursday so powerful to me. Knowing that Jesus DIED and went to HELL for three days to pay for our sins. We all complain (myself included) about hell on earth, and how bad our lives are, but I'm pretty sure we're exaggerating. We don't know half of it.

Easter is a happy day. Because, after Maundy Thursday and Good Friday, it can only get better, right? Our Saviour comes back to life. "... On the third day he rose again from the dead. He ascended into heaven and sits at the right hand of God the Father Almighty..." That's why we celebrate Easter. Because our Saviour just finished his sentence of three days in Hell. Three days of Hell for all of us. I love Easter. It's light, it's colors, it reminds me of the hope that there is a place somewhere where it doesn't matter how much money you made, what possessions you owned, or what people thought of you. The only thing that matters is that you made the choice to believe that Jesus died for you. And as a reward, you get His neverending Love. Sounds nice, huh?

We all get caught up in our day to day lives. We all worry about gas prices rising, and all of the terrible things that can and do happen here on Earth. Lately, I've been worrying about our country. The recession, the depression that is coming. That if things get bad enough, our military (including my husband) may stop being paid. They are still expected to pay their bills and show up to work, but their paychecks are held until the government can pay. I am worried about the Presidential election. Which one of the candidates is going to make our country worse? Our whole world seems to be crumbling under the weight of oppression, racism, hate and greed. Our country is so jaded that we actually believe that we are 'hurting.' We have NO idea what the people are going through in Darfur, and many other similar countries. In China, the country regularly censures everything. They can't even read 2/3 of the internets because of the "Great Firewall of China." I worry that something terrible is going to happen to my child, and he will be 'broken' forever. Basically, I have been WORRIED. ABOUT. EVERYTHING. With all of this worrying, I have been a little miserable inside, and have had trouble sleeping.

Last night, though, when I realized it was Maundy Thursday, I said a prayer. I asked for forgiveness, because I haven't been doing my job as a Christian as well as I should be. I haven't been a good example of what a Christian should be. The further away I get from God, the more I worry about things I can't control. The further away I get from His Love, the more powerless I feel. I'm not depressed, I don't need help in that manner, I just need to realize that there are some things out there that I can't control. I need to be able to realize that I can put my fears and worries into His hands, and let Him help me through them. I need reassurance that Someone is out there, watching us and keeping us out of most danger. I need reassurance that if the stuff really does hit the fan, it isn't really over, that we're not here for nothing.

I know that this Easter I can start over. I can be a better Christian, I will be forgiven. I can give these worries to our Lord, and He will take them from me. He will help me cope. That is why Easter is such a happy, bright holiday. It reminds me that even when I think everything is wrong with the world, there is still a bright light for me in Jesus.

So, maybe there is something about that whole God Pill after all.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

Jailbait on the prowl for Cougar.

Cutie with Blue Eyes seeking older woman to drag around parks by her finger. Love to look at picture books while you point out animals, play with mulch and show off my strength by climbing play structure. Will forsake own mother for your praise.

Today we were at the park, and OtherMommy and OtherBoy were there. OtherBoy brought a book to the park with him, and he ditched it when he saw the play structure. Little Monster, though. Little Monster saw the book. He found OtherMommy and took her over to the book, chatting with her the whole way. OtherMommy sat down with him and started pointing out all of the pictures of animals. Little Monster was having a great time, but as time wore on he was being more and more distracted by the primary colored play structure. He convinced OtherMommy to walk around holding his hand, telling her about all the things in his world along the way.

OtherMommy had to take care of her own kid for a second. During that time he decided that he was going to climb the structure. He did it. All. By. Himself. When he got to the top, and turned around, I made a big show of cheering and saying Hooray! After all, I was proud. He's a big boy! He sneered at me as if to say "you're old news woman" and looked around for OtherMommy. When he caught her eye, he said. "HOORAY!!!!" and cheered.

So, I figure he's looking for one of two things: One, he's on the prowl to find a new Mommy, one who actually loves him. You know, because I only pretend to love him. Those showers of kisses and raspberries, and the pain I feel when he cries. That's all fake. Or two, he's into older women. My bet is on the older woman thing. Why? Duh, because I am the best. mommy. ever.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

No. I didn't.

I feel as though I should clarify that I didn't actually give up sex for Lent. I just had been rejecting advances for a while. Because with all of the cleaning, and taking care of children, chasing dogs, working, cooking, and dealing with life, there hasn't been much time leftover lately. Barely enough time for sleeping, let alone something that qualifies both as work and as exercise, even if it is enjoyable.

Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Not quite a list, not quite a post.

I have been having a creative slump the past few days. Right before I fall asleep at night, I always have a great blog idea. But I'm SO not getting out of my warm bed when I'm drowsy to write a blog. I love you internets (ask Not the Momma, He knows I'm cheating on him with you), but not that much. The only things I love enough to get out of a warm bed for are my husband and my kid. So, sorry.

I even had a list all thought up, since March is a list theme at NaBloPoMo. The list however, is gone. Swept from my brain while enduring the stress of tax preparation.

Not the Momma is very appreciative of the comments supporting his protest of what I have given up for Lent. Especially the comment from Deb suggesting I give up clothing for Lent next year. Perhaps I will. I will give up wearing clothes while I'm in the shower.

Death & Taxes...

Tonight I nearly died. 4 times. At least.

The first time was when I saw our return. Apparently, tax free pay for the military is a good thing, twice. He didn't have to pay taxes, so we were in a much different tax bracket this year.

The second time was when I saw the bill. THE BILL. I'm pretty certain that the large company that Ken Jennings doesn't know about looks at your return, and calculates the amount of money to charge based on how much you're getting back. Or they charge you $50 for every page that comes out of the printer.

The third time was when I realized HOW LONG it took to figure out the taxes using their automated computer program.

The fourth time -- when my credit card was declined. Repeatedly. I ended up calling the company. Turns out our credit card company to combat identity theft requires that either 1) Credit Cards be swiped, or 2) They enter the three digit code from the back. Our Large National Tax Prep Service's swiper was broken (though I'm sure they can afford to buy a new one after the amount we spent there).

Yes, we could have bought a box tax prep software. BUT, our taxes are complicated. Multiple states, I'm an independant contractor for a company that is in another state. I would be too stressed that we'd be audited if we did our own taxes. Next year, I might take a trip to Nebraska and visit family while I get our taxes done at a firm there. It might save us a few bucks.

After all of that damage I still feel like throwing up, just a little bit. But, in a few weeks, it won't matter. We'll have our return, and all will be right with the world.

Oh, and if you want $15 off your tax return at the big green national Tax Prep company, (well, a 15 rebate) Let me know.. I have a coupon code for up to 6 friends. Leave a comment with your email and I'll send you the code and information.

Friday, March 14, 2008

And to think, last year I gave up over the counter medication.

The other night, after turning down the late night advances for intimacy...yet again... Not the Momma said:

"I know you're supposed to give up something you like for Lent, but SHIT Mary!"

and rolled over to contemplate his rejection.

I think I need to um, tend to Not the Momma now. You know, before he spends our life savings on a hooker.

P.S. I got permission from Not the Momma to publish this. In fact, he ASKED me to blog this event in our lives. I'm also sorry if you're now putting your hands over your eyes, and screaming LA LA LA LA LA LA LA... Because some of you know is in real life. And this, it may be TMI.

Oh Crap.

Not the Momma is watching History TV. Did you know that Thomas Crapper is a real person? Thomas Crapper is the Henry Ford of toilets. He was the first person to mass produce them, and in WWI, the soldiers found them everywhere and coined the phrase "going to the crapper." So, to all of you who say Crap is a bad word, I'm totally paying homage to the guy who lets me do my bid'ness without going outside in the cold cold of winter and the wet wet of spring. The guy who made it possible for me to go pee without ACTUALLY waking up. And, that my friends is really important... Ask anyone who is pregnant!

And now I'm learning "Everything I always wanted to know about toilet paper but am too afraid to ask."

Fast fact: wanna know why all those cartoon moats are brown and nasty? People dumped their crap in them to keep invaders from crossing them. YUMMY!

Proof my friends, that all discussions will eventally turn to CRAP.

My new best friend: Thomas Crapper.

Friday Fun...

I've gone a bit intellectual, but I know I can think of more than this.. i just can't do it under pressure. Not to mention that spelling counts. You have to type it in perfect.. so, Virgin Islands is "u.s. virgin islands" I probably lost a couple of countries that way.


At any rate, it kinda makes you feel dumb, not knowing very many of the countries!! I don't think I did half bad though! My hint" Start with North America, and work your way through all of the continents naming all of the countries you can think of.. Then, go through the letters of the alphabet! :)

I'll post the countries I named, and the ones I forgot tomorrow... I'm not going to help you out today! Tell me what your score was!


I'm proud.. well, not really proud, but I'm telling you anyway, that THE HABITAT has been re-invented. See Just the Baby and Me... Our History!

that was all I was going to share. I'll be back later with my 'Fun Day' Friday Quiz. After Little Monster takes a nap. (In other words, after bedtime)

Thursday, March 13, 2008

Look! Look!

Look over there ---->

I decided to start archiving my OLD blog. From way back. Not all the way back, because I can't remember, but as far back as 2001. It is truly dorky, and crazy. But it will be fun for me, because those, those were some good times.

You can visit the new blog through me over there --> (See, Just the Baby and Me... Our History). I have the feed all set up to come right there --> Isn't that cool? Just lie to me and say yes. Then I'll be happy and shut up!

Keep looking, especially G! Because G, I have pictures of the habitat. And they are about to be posted for all of the internets to see. More internets than saw it on the original page. :)

Okay, I quit rambling now. Besides, I have to clean up from lunch, and take that nap I've been talking about all week.

I almost forgot. Here is the url Just the Baby and Me... Our History

Wednesday, March 12, 2008

Whatever happened to Scrubs?

You know, that TV show about all the crazy doctors. Come on, you have to remember it! Zach Braff played JD. JD, who always had an internal monologue that sometimes took the show in funny directions. Did that make JD Crazy? If you think it did, then, please stop reading. I don't want to freak out any of the internets that don't want to be freaked out.

Did they leave? Okay. Good.

I have been blogging in some form or another for a while. Since, 2001 at the very latest. My blog started out at angelfire. I wrote all the dorky html code for it. Dorky it WAS. It was really just a diary. A boring place where I told people what I ate for breakfast and how much Rhode Island sucked. (I no longer think that Rhode Island Sucks, by the way. I miss it and can't wait to go back!) Sometime in 2006 I got tired of writing all that html, and started up this place. We have gone through a renovation here too. Blogger is so freakin' awesome, that the internets became aware of my webpage. Not too many, and not too often, but often enough. Often enough that Not the Momma was concerned for his job, and well, we all know what happenes when people can't keep their mouth shut about their job. Being as he was the one with the job and the paycheck and the benefits, I obliged him and changed my url, and removed all mentions of his and Little Monster's names. Wait, I'm getting off track.

I love my blogger, I really do. You see, it made updating SO EASY that I can just log in, type up something quick, and click "publish." No longer do I have to make sure that the body and tables are set up right (oh lord the tables. The nested tables. I'm having nightmares) or that the links are working. I can just type. And I can add the html whenever I want to get all geeky again.

It has meant that I have been able to focus more on the content. I can't claim that it's always been brilliant great good readable, but at least it isn't the boring stuff I was writing about before, right? Huh? Right? Yeah! All of this 'focus on the content' has created something within me... and here's where I get to my point.

Now, I wake up in the morning, and start thinking about what blog worthy events are going to happen. I go through my day, doing dishes, playing with Little Monster, thinking about what how I could make that into a fun blog entry. I go to bed at night, thinking of all of the blog entries that I should have written, and all of the ones I should start. I'm like JD on Scrubs, only, hopefully not quite as crazy.

Please tell me I'm not crazy.

I'm not, right? Right?

P.S. --Not the Momma, you'll NEVER find the M&Ms. muhahahahahahaha

What a BORING day!

PRAISE GOD! I finally am able to enjoy a boring day.

In the past two weeks, I've endured never ending bicycle rides, earthquake anxiety, more earthquake anxiety, trying to kill my child, and escape artist dogs. This all after my week of Mondays.

I am so grateful to have a day that started off with a shower, and has been full of chores and work. I am grateful that no dogs escaped, no children were harmed, and nothing crazy has happened.

Today, Little Monster figured out how to put on his own shoes. *sigh* They were crocs, so it wasn't like he's tying shoes, but this whole idea of him growing and learning to do things on his own, it's sad in a way. It's like one moment I was trying to figure out if he was really mine, if I actually baked that baby, and now he's turning into a little boy. Tomorrow, I just know he's going to figure out how to start up that car and drive to Burger King to get him some chicky nuggets when he doesn't like the lunch I set out. And right after that, he's going to be packing up and moving out of the house.

Maybe those weeks full of Mondays and days full of crazy stuff, that's not so bad. Then I don't think about all this sappy stuff.

And now for the continuation of my boring day: I'm going to work on laundry. Matching socks, no less.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

My Day in Letters.

A is for AM. AM is too early these days.

B is for bananas, which Little Monster now refuses to eat more than one bite of.

C is for Closing the door on the nice neighbor lady’s face when she told me my dogs had escaped.

D is for DAMN DOGS.


F is for F*#&ING DOGS!!!!

G is for Great, as in how Great I looked with my tangled pony tail, dirty sweat suit, no bra wearing self as I ran around the neighborhood with my child who is still in his jammes. At noon. G is for Goldfish Crackers. Goldfish crackers that are covering the playroom floor. Goldfish Crackers that I will leave there hoping that when I’m not looking will ‘disappear.’ (Don’t worry. The crackers have only been there for a few minutes. Little Moster dumped them out just now. Nice, huh?)

H is for HOW IN THE HECK did the GATE get OPEN?

I is for Idiot. Which is what I feel like after slamming the door in my nice neighbors face.


K is for Kill. Which is what I want to do to the D, E, F, and G Dogs.

L is for Little Monster, who was a great help. He yelled for the dogs in the back seat of the car as I raced around the neighborhood honking my horn and yelling for Chewie Kleenexes

M is for Monday. Wait, Monday is over, right? Yes. So, then M can’t stand for Mondays anymore. M must be for “MORE.” Little Monster says “MORE” when he wants MORE kisses.


O is for Over. It is over. The dogs are home.

P is for Probably not going to get the house cleaned, the laundry done, or a shower today. Work is very busy. I’m talking 30 different designs in the works, and unlike normally, all of my clients are actually responsive.

Q is for Quick as Lightning. That’s how fast those DAMN ESCAPING F*#&ING JACK RUSSEL TERROR DOGS! Run.

R is for REALLY? As in, REALLY CHEWIE, you are going to TURN UP a CAR RIDE? And continue. Running. Down. The. Street?

S is the word I probably said, and for SLAM, which is what I did to the nice neighbor lady who was kind enough to tell me that my DEFGJN Dogs had run away.

T is for Time for LUNCH!

U is for Unfair. As in, how unfair it is that none of this crap happens when Not the Momma is home to help.

V is for VERY LUCKY. Which is what my dogs are. You see, after the chewed cable from yesterday (did I say something about Kleenex eating my wire from the satellite to the bedroom yesterday?), I fixed it with electrical tape. I no longer have to send her off to the home for naughty dogs. They are also VERY LUCKY that they listened when I told them to GET! INTO! THE! CAR!

W is for Wednesday. I wish it were Wednesday. Because then Tuesday would be over, and the house will be clean, and the laundry will be done. Because that was the goal for Tuesday.

X is for Xylophone. Yeah, I have no idea how X fits into my day. Well, maybe if I use X for Christ and say that he helped me to remain cool and collected (except for the curse words and the slamming of the doors, and the frantic driving around the neighborhood) while searching for the dogs.

Y is for Yet another crazy day.

Z is for ZZZZZZZ, as in. I want some more.

Monday, March 10, 2008

National What?

National Napping Day.

After the day I've had. I'm on board. Why is it that I manage to schedule AM Dr. appointments for the first Monday after a time change? We made it there okay, on time, but thank heavens I didn't stop for that cup of coffee I so desperately wanted.

When we got home, a neighbor called and wanted to take a walk. Fine, we went. It was about a 3-4 mile walk (maybe?). About 3/4 of the way there her tire on the front of her stroller started to come off. I set the brakes on Little Monster's stroller and set about helping her, because with two kids, the stroller can be heavy. As we were finishing up we heard lots of honking and someone yelling "HEY HEY".. I looked up. And my baby. My stroller. It was gone. No, no one stole my baby. But, the brakes didn't set, so the stroller went barreling down the hill and toppled over leaving my poor Little Monster with a bruise from his eye to the middle of his cheek. And leaving me feeling pretty badly as well. I already hated that stroller. Now I'm thinking of running it over with my car.

Now my head hurts, the Little Monster is napping. (I was told today he's not a baby, so I guess I shouldn't call him that anymore? SADNESS!) I think I am going to follow suit. After all, it is National Napping day.

Sunday, March 09, 2008

Crazy Dreams....

Some dreams are not wishes made by our hearts.

Last night I had a dream that there were earthquakes in my area. I know, I really need to unsubscribe from that feed. You could actually 'see' the earthquake shaking on its way up the hill in my neighborhood. While DH was out grabbing people and shoving them into our front doorway (is that still what you're supposed to do??), I was standing in the doorway, clutching the baby. He was only a month or so old in my dream. The other things I was holding as if dear life depended upon their survival: Two Pampere Chef Stones. My rectangle cookie sheet, and the small rectangle pan, (fits inside a toaster oven). Why on EARTH I thought the world would end if those two fine cooking products smashed into smitherines I'll never know.

In reality, the one thing I'd grab in a fire, or any emergency, after the family of course, is my computer. I mean, of course I'd get the baby too. But the Pampered Chef Stoneware? I don't think that would even be near the top of my list, no matter how well they treat my cookies, because what good are yummy unburnt cookies when I can't eat them while visiting the internets. But the real reason I would bring the computer is because all of the baby's pics are on here. Unless my boss is reading, and then it's because I have work stuff on here.

What one possession would you bring with you if you had to evacuate?

Friday, March 07, 2008

Add this to my list...

of stupid things I've done:

Subscribed to the US Geological Survey's Earthquake Feed. Yeah. Dumb, Dumb, Dumb. Did I say that was dumb? It started out because I wanted to be 'sure' I would know what one felt like. But instead, with every update, I'm concerned that the state of Alaska, the southern end of Greece, and most of Indonesia are going to sink into the ocean. And, don't even get me started on the Earthquake in Wyoming. Did you hear me? You might have heard me screaming about the supervolcano that was about to erupt, dooming us all.

There can be such a thing as too much information. And this, THIS would be one of those things. But now, I'm like a rubbernecker watching a terrible accident. I can't unsubscribe. I'm addicted. I want to be in the KNOW if suddenly the world is going to end because of a massive volcano eruption or earthquake.

Yuppers, this is in my top ten of stupidest things I've done in the last five years. Right behind that one time when I wrapped my dog's injured leg a little too tight causing it to blow up to be the size of a coconut (not really a coconut, but very big, and I felt bad for weeks, I still do).

Friday Fun Day!!

This one cracked me up.

My results:


My prediction for Not the Momma, based on the fact that he knows how to blow stuff up is 75%. His actual score was 78%. Not bad if I do say so myself! (Updated)


Wednesday, March 05, 2008

To-Do Lister

As I talked about yesterday, I always have a 'running-to-do-list' going on in my head. ALWAYS. It makes me crazy sometimes, because half the time, the things on my to-do list get caught up in the cobwebs of my brain, sometimes being lost forever. Well, not really forever, more likely until whatever it was I forgot is DUE, or OVERDUE, or I am faced with some sort of crazy debacle because of the forgotten 'to-do' item. Using Scott Adams (creator of Dilbert) as inspiration, I'm going to suggest a crazy invention. Even though it may not be so crazy after all. I'm also going to put it in list format, because it's the NaBloPoMo theme for the month of March. I probably won't be blogging lists all month, but I will when it's appropriate.

I'm certainly not the only person with the problem of the lost to-do list, so there's definitely a need. if you think about all of the technological advances in micro-technology, it shouldn't be too hard to create. I just ask that if you create it, you send me one free of charge, including free updates when the item is improved. You know, to thank me for coming up with the idea that made you rich and all. I won't become a pain in your butt by claiming that I actually came up with the idea. <-- That may actually be legally binding, the whole part about the 'not being a pain in your butt.' Here is the list of what MUST be on the device for it to work. Feel free to comment with additions. Just don't tell me to get a PDA or a multi-function phone or some other giant piece of technology I don't want.

  1. It must be small enough to fit in my pocket. About 1-2 square inches, and no thicker than 1/4 inch. I have my hands full enough carrying around babies and dealing with cleaning the house.

  2. It must be voice activated. I should be able to turn it on and off using a specific codeword.

  3. It should have voice recognition software. I don't want to have to take it out of my pocket to add an item, or cross off an item.

  4. It should have the capability of having more than one list. I don't just keep ONE list in my brain, but several. Grocery lists, Things to do, places I want to go, etc. I often make a list of places to go, and then under each place have a separate shopping list.

  5. It needs to have a 'finder' function. Because my brain is full of cobwebs, thoughts aren't the only thing I lose. It needs to have a function so that if I take it out of my pocket, I can easily find it. The 'finder' part could be a fridge magnet. I'll never forget where my fridge is.

  6. It doesn't need to function as anything else. I don't want a list finder that is also an mp3 player, telephone, camera, contact list, etc. A calculator and calendar feature would be acceptable. See below.

  7. It would be great if it did have a calculator though. Because I'm going to want to take my list to the grocery store when I'm shopping. It could keep track of how much I'm spending, so I don't get sticker shock at checkout.

  8. The calendar feature would be helpful, because I could put due dates on the to-do list, and put reminders in it so that it will beep when I need to go somewhere.

  9. It should sync with my computer, with whatever software I happen to use for my calendar/to-do lists, so that I am sure not to miss something no matter where I input the data.

  10. It needs to be washer/dryer proof. If it fits in my pocket, it's inevitable that it will be in the ONE pair of pants I forgot to check the pockets for before throwing them in the machine.

Are there any other things that a To-Do List device should have? Remember, I don't want a PDA or anything big like that.

Nablopomo is YEAR ROUND!

November is still the 'official' month for daily posting, but they now give you a monthly 'theme.' Does it get any better?

They have suggested that in March you posts a list every day. I won't be participating in the March one this month, but just you wait. The second I run out of things to say (I know, I know, hahahahahahaha), I'm going to post a list of something.

Todays to-do list.

1. Wipe snot out of Little Monster's nose.
2. RSVP, albeit a day late for Church Fellowship Dinner
3. Vacuum Little Monster's play room
4. Wipe snot out of Little Monster's nose.
5. Make Lunch
6. Empty Dishwasher.
7. Do Laundry
8. Wipe snot out of Little Monster's nose.
9. Finish no less than 3 ID Card design templates
10. Finish Thank you cards for Little Monster's Birthday Party. (It was in October. I'm doing great, huh?)
11. Get together all tax info so we can finally get ours filed
12. Pick up after dogs in backyard
13. Wipe Snot out of Little Monster's nose. (Are you seeing a trend here?)
14. Beat up dogs for barking ALL. DAY. LONG.
16. Wipe off yard sale shelves.
17. Unpack boxes in Guest Room
18. Set up Guest Room.
19. Wips snot out of Little Monstser's Nose.
20. Field daily stalker call for Brandy.

I'll stop here. You get the idea. Lists. They can be a good thing. Problem is, I usually create a list in my head, and then lose half of it in the wasteland that is mommy-brain. This morning, I went to get refill wipes for the baby's butt. On the way, I got distracted and did about 4 things upstairs, then came back down. Without the wipes. That list device would have been awesome today. Tomorrow, look for a description of that list device.. In list form, of course!

Tuesday, March 04, 2008

The Biggest Loser....

Did you see it? That canyon? That's what the road we bicycled on looked like. I swear! I wish we'd been able to fly across the canyon, rather than having to pedal up...

Monday, March 03, 2008

Death by Bicycle

That’s what it’s called when a – what did Not the Momma say it was going to be – slow and leisurely bicycle ride turns into something that belongs in part of the Tour de France. We started off fine, pushing it a little bit up the hill. Then, we ended up PUSHING the bikes up the hill. On foot.

In all seriousness, we’ve been trying to be healthier in general. This includes daily walks, and playing outside more often, eating at home, etc. We have been scoping out bike routes since I got my bicycle a couple of weeks ago. We thought we had found a route. Nice and easy for our first trip. Part of it wasn’t accessible by car, but we could see most of it, and it didn’t look bad. After all, we’ve ridden through our neighborhood, and our house is on top of the hill, right? Right.

We started off strong. That was probably our big mistake. We should have started off slowly. Who cares if we would have looked like fools riding our bikes at a whole 3 mph, even if a herd of turtles did pass us and flip us the bird on the way by. We were taking the hill pretty well. We got to the top, and turned the corner to find… that the hill didn’t end. Ever. We turned the corner and stood there, looking up at the top of the hill, contemplating whether we should have brought our technical climbing gear, the hill seemed so steep. We powered through, though, because, hey, at the top of this hill, it’s downhill the rest of the way. Right? Right? RIIIIIIIIIGHT. Why didn’t the hill look this steep yesterday in the car?

Anxious to get to the downhill portion of the ride, we pumped it up and went full throttle. We rounded another corner, and finally crested the hill. There it was before us. The downhill portion of the road. When we saw the ‘downhill’ portion of the ride, we both considered just exactly HOW risky it would be to trek through the ‘unexploded ordinance’ area to get home. We could see our house. It was about 200 yards away. What really were the chances that we’d ACTUALLY step on an old land mine anyway? I mean, coyotes walk through here all the time, and I haven’t heard any explosions. But then my common sense (yes Mom, I still have some left), got the better of me. Like I told DH, “It’s better to get home, and feel dead, than to go through those bushes and BE dead.”

To illustrate our plight in mathematical terms, we thought the road was going to be a fairly steady incline, like the road we came in on. General slope of -1, (with an occasional rise and fall).

What was in front of us may have had an average slope of -1, but it looked more like a sine wave than a straight line. A sine wave with a VERY large amplitude. It looked like this:

We ended up walking our bikes up a couple of the hills, racing the downhill sections to get as much momentum as possible, so that we could ride as far up the hill as we could before we had to hop off and walk. There were a few times I contemplated puking. The baby whined the ENTIRE time, because the road was too bumpy ,the sun was in his eyes, his helmet was chaffing him, he didn’t like the song that was playing on my iPod(with speakers, not earphones), his water had spilled on his hand, the sun was in his eyes, and yeah, did I mention that helmet?

Do you think we learned anything? Um, probably not. We’re going to do it all again… Not the Momma would like to do it every weekend. Because, despite my incessant whining, the baby’s moaning and groaning, the sick feeling in my stomach, and the crazy ribbon of hilly road, we had fun. We had fun, together, as a family. We’ve got less than two years left together before Not the Momma returns to Sea Duty, and we’re going to soak (read: suck) it up – even if it means death by bicycle again.

Sunday, March 02, 2008

I bid you Adieu

My dear friend. I've used you for quite a few months now. I was hoping our relationship would last a big longer, but after the little incident, tonight, I'm not sure that we're 'working' anymore.

Diaper Genie, I think that time and moves have taken their toll on you. We tried buying you the new bags for older babies, but, well, they just don't do the job either. Tonight, as Not the Momma pushed your scissor button to cut your bags, I knew. I knew as I nearly lost the entire slice of lemon cake all over my clean hallway floor, that our run is over.

As long as Playtex doesn't discontinue you, I'm sure you may come to be useful again sometime in the next 5 years or so, but until then, I bid you Adieu.

Saturday, March 01, 2008

Friday Fun Winner...

Not the Momma is...

87% Geek

Elisabeth -- You won!! I died laughing when he took the quiz, because at that point, you were the only one that had guessed.. BUT then, I couldn't very well let you be the only person who guessed!

Thanks H and Ashlee for guessing!