Saturday, May 30, 2009


The newest member of our family: Shortcake.

There was some worry about how big she was going to be, and after an ultrasound guessed she'd be around 10 lb 13 oz, we were wheeled into the OR within an hour or so. At 1:30 PM yesterday, she was here. She weighed in at 9 lb 7 oz. 3 oz smaller than her brother, but no less cute!

We are in love. I am happy, and have been up and walking around and showered and walking around and feel human again, if a bit tender. And sleepy. Mommy is going to nap while she can.

Happy Birthday (yesterday) Shortcake! More details to come later!

Thursday, May 28, 2009

Rambling... Because I can.

Yes. I'm still pregnant. I plan on remaining that way forever. That way I can torture my husband by making him do all of the cleaning and laundry. And because it gives me something to complain about.

My stomach now sticks out as far as my entire forearm. The muscles that support it are starting to flip me off. Daily and nightly. It used to be just nightly but now they've decided to take turns during the day shift as well.

Everyone seems very concerned when they see me. But that's just because if you walk up to me from behind you don't notice, then when I turn to the side, my body suddenly quadruples in size. That, and if my stomach is this big, how big is the child? We have an ultrasound scheduled for Monday to find out. I am praying that because I scheduled that ultrasound I won't need it.

The other day we were walking somewhere, and I didn't realize that my belly was sticking out of my pants and my shirt was riding high. I realized when I got home and looked in the mirror why everyone I met gave me a silly smile. You could see the pants were falling off. That was a great day. Most of my clothing fails to meet standards these days. So, I sit in my house in my husband's undershirts and old pajama bottoms waiting.

Little Monster is growing LEAPS and BOUNDS these days. He is finally expressing some interest in potty training. He'll tell us immediately after he goes #1 that he's done it. Then, he wants to sit on the toilet for the congratulatory chocolate. The problem is, as he puts it:

"Mommy! Pee all gone! There's no pee left."

This, after squinting, grunting and trying to eek out just a dribble. He knows that if there is not tinkle, there is no treat.

He's also decided that driving me crazy isn't good enough.

Me: "You're driving me crazy today!"
LM: "No! I driving you NUTS!"

Not the Momma is amazing. He has taken charge of not only studying for finals and getting the last minute things out of the way for him at work so he can be here when the baby comes, but he's taken care of most of the last minute things around the house as well. And he's been cleaning. And cooking. Real meals. I know. Last night, the man even ate leftovers, which is something he doesn't do.

What can I say? I have a few things left to do before the baby comes. But I'm hoping that by leaving them undone that I'll have to do them while in labor before we leave for the hospital. At this rate, the guest bed will have sheets on it sometime in 2011.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Wordless Wednesday

Wordless because if I talk, I'll probably start to cry because of some hormonal fit. And because, yes, I'm still pregnant. I'm about ready to issue eviction orders on this little one. Because I know it will take a while for the legal system to process my request, it will probably be done soon. In the meantime...

Tuesday, May 12, 2009

If only...

When I give Little Monster kisses, he licks his lips and tells me that he's eating them.

What would the world be like if we could keep hunger at bay by getting and giving kisses? I wonder what kisses would taste like.

It's just another one of those things I don't want to forget.

That and the fact that when I picked him up from they daycare at church he was wearing a pink tutu and setting the table for dinner. My only regret is that I didn't have a camera. That's better than a naked bathtub picture.

Gosh, I love that kid.

Monday, May 11, 2009

How to get fat in 3 days.

It's all my husband's fault. We're all going to be obese. Especially me. Because it used to be to make the good desserts, I had to stand by and hold a mixer to do things like whip cream, and knead dough. Now... Now, I just turn this bad boy on....

I've already made three desserts with this thing... And the things I have planned for it far exceed anything I've ever attempted before. I'm talking bread, french bread. And recipes from Pioneer Woman. The best part is that before I had to burn some calories at least holding the electric mixer to do make fine foods. Not anymore. Not anymore.
I also got a great handmade card and a day free of any worries. I hope everyone had a wonderful Mother's Day too.

Friday, May 08, 2009

A gift for us. We think?

I promise not to show photos. I don't want to be sued for the deaths that might occur due to the violent retching that might occur.

This morning we dropped off Little Monster at the Angel's house down the street. She will be watching him when the sequel decides to try to make her entrance. We have a pre-admission interview at the hospital. I don't know why I'm telling you this. Probably because I'm female and I have to tell you every little detail.

So, last night, we were sitting in the living room and our female dog started sniffing and scratching at the front door. It isn't an unusual occurrence because deer, coyotes and skunks walk through our neighborhood all the time and our front yard tends to be one of their paths of choice. I was a little creeped out, but was NOT about to open the front door. I can't imagine what would happen if I opened the door and a skunk sprayed me or a coyote was there. At least I wouldn't have to sell the kid to pay for the dogs.

Here I go, rambling on and on again. I just.. EW! Okay. Let me start over. We dropped off Little Monster at the Angel's house. When we came home we went in the front door, and there was something on the stoop. Something dead. Possibly regurgitated. Possibly not regurgitated, but not completely digested. On my front porch. Waiting for us.

Not the Momma says it was a gopher. And that the neighborhood stray cat left it as a gift for us. But I'm still a bit afraid of what kind of bad omen it could be, or what it says. Hopefully nothing. I hope it was a gift from a cat who once knew me. And liked me, and nothing else. Right? right.

And let us Pray:

Lord, Jesus. Please send whatever evil spirits away that may or may not have been left with the dead creature on my front porch. I apologize for watching Pet Semetary when I was little, and having an over active imagination. I do not watch scary movies anymore because of that.

Thursday, May 07, 2009

For Sale:

Two year old. He comes complete with a billion Lego's, blocks, trains, stuffed animals and other random toys, probably from fast food kids meals. All you have to do is come to pick them up. I suggest bringing a rake. Or a CAT with a bucket front. Because that's what you'll need to get all of the stuff off of his toy room and our living room floor. His only requirements are that you show the moves Cars, Wall-E, Bolt and Little Mermaid on endless loop, provide him with an unending supply of goldfish crackers, ice cream (with chocolate!), raisins, milk and juice, pay attention to him constantly, unless he's on the phone talking to "maw-maw" or "ba-pa" or Daddy, in which case you aren't even allowed to look at him. He only needs about three outfits -- his light blue footie pajamas with lions printed on them, a race car shirt and diapers, and his too-big-for-his-feet Batman crocs. If you would like, in about 2 more years his sister will probably be for sale as well, making a complete set.

Cost: Negotiable. The SPCA charges $50 to drop off your unwanted pets, and I have two of those barking in the back yard, digging for gophers, making my hair grey by fighting with the two year old and staring at me while I eat, knit, watch television and getting underfoot every time I step causing me to trip and cry because of the stabbing pain in my pelvis thanks to the parasite that has drained me of what little energy and sanity I have left after 2 dogs and a 2 year old. In other words, It would be great if you could cover the cost of the dogs, but that isn't necessary. You can take them too if you want. Or not.

Can't afford the cash, but want the kid, dogs and their toys anyway? That's easy. I'll allow you to work it off. There is a foot-deep pile of toys that has taken over my living room, wash, fold and put away the piles of laundry that are taking over my dining room/office, do the dishes, vacuum, sweep and mop the kitchen and scrub the bathrooms. It should only take about 3 hours unless you've taken on the body of an 80 year old whale and have a two year old and two dogs to look after. In that case, it may take you a bit longer, as in forever.

In return for all of this, I promise you'll get lots of stories about boo-bots who make frogs, cries for your love and attention several times in the middle of the night, often just after you fall asleep. You'll never feel lonely again since you won't be able to bathe, use the restroom, or read without someone trying to climb into your lap or demanding a "burr-jeee-ditch" (peanut butter & jelly sandwich). He is also good at collecting change to put into the "nunnie-jar." and distributing his goldfish cracker and milk supply all over the back seat of your vehicle.

Not interested? That's okay. I'd probably miss the little squirt anyway.

Wednesday, May 06, 2009

How my 2 year old nearly induced labor through laughter...

Situation One:

I am sitting in my rocker, talking to and playing with Little Monster while
talking to my mom on the phone. He picks up his toy saw and plays with it
for a while. He then walks up to me and starts attempting to saw my
stomach open.

Me: That hurts! Don't saw Mommy's tummy, it's tender!

LM: No Mommy! I making baby!

Situation Two:

LM: Mommy! Daddy Lock Door!

Me: Yeah, that's because he's going to the bathroom and he doesn't want you
to bug him.

LM: No, Mommy! I bug him!

Me: Well, you can bug him on the other side of the door then.

LM walks away and heads back for the bathroom door. Knocking

LM: Daddy! Door Open! Unlock and Open Door.

NTM: No, I'm busy.

LM: No Daddy. Open Door.

NTM: I'm reading.

LM: No Daddy. Open Door. Unlock Door. Open Door. Okay?

(more knocking)

LM: I knocking! Who's there?!?

NTM: Go bug mommy. She wants you to bug her. She lives for

LM: No Daddy. I bugging you! Open Door! I talking you!

This went on for quite some time while I laughed uncontrollably in the other room until I believed I started having contractions.

Tuesday, May 05, 2009

Wonderful... Wonderful...

Have I mentioned lately how much my husband amazes me?? While I was working at church all day Saturday Not the Momma toiled at home.

No. Seriously. he did. Not only did he take care of our 2 year old, he also cleaned out the guest room/nursery and finished setting it up for baby's arrival. All that needs to to be done is to put sheets on the big bed in the room. He also cleaned and sterilized all of the bottles.

And while he did all of this, he was feeding Little Monster donuts, helping me pick up lunch for the church group, taking Little Monster out to dinner, and coming up with Handy Manny conspiracy theories. Like the one where Kelly and Manny are in cahoots breaking stuff around town.

He did come up with that idea. I apologize that I stole it and claimed it as my own. But he is so amazing that he didn't comment with some nastiness or disown me. He just complained a bit when he got home about how I stole his idea and didn't give any of the credit for the genius to him. And then he made dinner. And helped with the dishes. And took the trash out. And started the dishwasher. And fed me ice cream.

I don't know about you, but I can handle a little whining if it comes in a package as wonderful as he is.

Monday, May 04, 2009

Cartoon Conspiracy Theory - Handy Manny

Little Monster LOVES Handy Manny. Ever heard of him? Handy Manny is a cartoon Mr. Fix-it on TV in the morning. It's a good show. Sometimes they sneak a bit of adult humor in, which I can appreciate in kids shows. For example, in one episode Pat, the hammer, says "I love to nail things! I'm a hammer!" It took me the rest of the show to recover from it.

The craziest thing for me is that Wilmer Valderrama is the voice of Manny. He's also the voice of Fez from That 70's show. There is something inherently weird about that. I keep waiting for Manny to ask any of the girls on the show for some "nookie." Or pester Mr. Lopart, the store owner next door for some candy. It's really hard for me to separate the perverted teenager of Fez from Manny, the charming and "handy" repair shop owner of Sheetrock Hills.

Speaking of "nookie" and Handy Manny. I think there is something going on between Kelly, the hardware store owner and Manny. First of all I've never seen him pay for any of the parts he's gotten for any of his jobs. Second, she always has the exact part he needs. Third, he sings a love song to her of sorts between other shows on Disney. I think Disney caught on though, they haven't been playing it as much. Maybe they had a fight? Fourth, Kelly is always commenting about how Manny is one of her 'best customers' and making eyes at him. Maybe it's just me, but I totally think there is something going on between the sheets behind the scenes with those two.

I also think that Kelly and Manny may be in cahoots with one another about the things that break down around Sheetrock Hills. You see, Manny always knows how to fix every little thing, and Kelly always has the exact parts he needs in stock. Have you ever known of a little hardware store to carry elevator relays? Me neither. But in the episode where the elevator broke down, Kelly had the EXACT relay needed to repair the SPECIFIC elevator that was broken. Coincidence? I don't know. I just think it's odd -- and the elevator relay is only one example.

Have you been watching Handy Manny? Am I crazy with an overactive imagination or is it possible that Manny and Kelly are not only partners in crime, busting around town breaking stuff to further their businesses but partners if you catch my drift? And does it creep anyone else out that Manny is really Fez?

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Things I'll miss about Little Monster when he's big...

    • Blur comes on the radio and my Little Monster starts singing "whoo hoo!" in the backseat. Totally at the wrong time.
    • Little Monster tells me that 'grama and grampa come in little bit."
    • I have to remind LM that the baby has to come before we have visitors.
    • LM decides that he is a "big kid" (not a baby, and not a big boy) and is ready to go to school.
    • I have to remind LM that he has to be a big boy and use the toilet before
      he's ready to go to school and ride the school bus.
    • The little walk he does when he's excited that includes marching his legs and swinging his arms at chest level, parallel to the ground.
    • The weird pinched face he makes when he's in trouble.
    • All of the stories he makes up about riding motorcycles, "boo-bots" and his stuffed doggies.
    • The way he calls Eve from Wall-E, "mommy boo-bot"
    • When I tell him he can't have cookies, he says. "Otay. I do Twis (chris) house, eat tookies!" so defiantly.
    • The way he gets excited so easily and his little requests turn into frantic squeals of toddler words that are unintelligible and sometimes only detectable by dogs.
    • The excitement that ensues on mornings when we make "ninn-ninn woes" (cinnamon rolls) for breakfast.