Mickey's Hell House. -- Warning... Long Post.

That's where we spent Monday night. I probably should say that we had a great time at Disneyland on Monday. We hit the Star Tours ride, Little Monster got to ride several rides, and enjoyed them all. His favorites were the River of the Nile boat tour and the fountain (not really a ride) outside of Mickey Mouse's house. We took him through the Haunted Mansion and the Buzz Light year Astro-whatever ride too. We ate lunch, and spent quite a bit of time walking around.

We had quite a bit of fun, despite the fact that most of the families we saw were in the midst of craziness. G liked to point out that this was the "Happiest Place on Earth," even though you wouldn't know it by watching the lady who got very angry with her six year old for not being able to carry an ENTIRE tray of food back to the table OR manage a stroller holding his 4 year old sister in an area that was smaller than most closets. Another Mother -- who obviously had an eating disorder -- passively aggressively made her daughter feel guilty for wanting to eat at this particular cafe'. "If they had just been able to take the mayonnaise off of the sandwich I'd eat, honey." "But, Mom, I'm soooo sorry. We can go somewhere else and eat. Let's go somewhere else." "No, honey, it's fine. I'll be okay. Just because I haven't eaten anything all day, doesn't mean you shouldn't get what you want." Happiest Place on Earth, right G? (As a side note, these events took place within about 5 minutes of each other in the same line.)

I was disappointed in the fact that I didn't see many 'characters' walking around. I expected to see Mickey and Minnie and Donald, etc. Nope. Not one. Not the Momma said they got to meet Darth Vader and Buzz Light year while G and I were in the Star Tours ride, but I didn't see them. We saw Cinderella's Fairy Godmother and Ariel (the Little Mermaid), sitting on her shell, but that was it. We were there for seven hours people. At one point during the afternoon we thought we'd go get a picture of Little Monster with Mickey Mouse. The line was an hour long and wrapped around the house, so we decided to return later in the day. When we returned later in the evening, there were no "Cast Members" around to tell us how long we'd wait to see Mickey. But the line wasn't wrapped around the house. In fact, it started INSIDE the house. Fine. Great, so we had less than an hour to get to Mickey.

We saw the sign from Mickey that said something along the lines of "Hi guys! Come on in and get a picture with me!"

Great! Time to go in and see Mickey! Yeah! So Excited! Little Monster is going to LOVE THIS!

We went into the house and found a zillion kids running around. Mickey had furniture and lists all over, but he was pretty clean all in all -- especially for a rodent. We got through the front entry. Then there was the Living Room. And the Office. And the Music Room. Then there was the Laundry Room. Somewhere in those rooms was a sign that said "I'm out back in the Barn in my studio! Come on through the backyard!" So, we went through the Laundry Room. And then there was the Tool Room. And the Mud Room. And the Back Yard. By this point, the kids were getting a bit more wired, and the parents were getting a bit Jaded. Every twisty turn of this house took you further and further into what felt like a trap. At one point G dropped the "F-Bomb" because we had gone through so many twists and turns and rooms. Every time we were promised "I'm just around the corner! Come on through!" The parents had started telling each other if they saw Mickey around the corner. With every turn, you could hear the sighs of the disappointed parents... and with every sigh of each parent, you could sense the kids getting even more twitchy.

We finally made our way through to the Barn where Mickey stores all of his scary old swimsuits and costumes. Did you know that Donald has a painting studio in there too? Yeah. I got to look at that for about 15 minutes. What awaited us? But another sign saying "You're almost there, just watch a movie!" What you didn't read was the other side of the page that said.. "HA HA SUCKERS YOU'RE NEVER GOING TO SEE MICKEY!! THIS IS A BIG FREAKIN' JOKE AND IT'S ON YOU!"

At this point all of the kids around us had been waiting for so long that they were literally vibrating with excitement. Every turn promised them Mickey. They were very well behaved for the most part, but I was worried that they'd all start vibrating on the same frequency and shake the San Andreas fault loose. I didn't want to be around when California fell into the ocean. I wanted to be around to tell everyone that the destruction of one of the most populated cities in America was Mickey Mouse's fault.

After 45+ minutes of waiting with about 40 kids running around trying to cut in line, because after all, what 5 year old isn't excited to see Mickey, I saw it. The lovely green glow of an Exit sign. The sign that pretty much proved the existence of our Lord and Saviour. When I saw It, I shouted "EXIT! THERE IS AN EXIT! WE CAN GET OUT OF HERE!" I heard about three parents sigh with relief. We saw some people going out and there were no sirens, sprinklers or anything that would lead us to believe that it was an Emergency Only exit. Happily, I told another parent in line about the exit, and she went to escort her two girls out. After opening the door, she turned around, beet read with a shocked look on her face, slammed the door and stood there. I asked her what the deal was:

Me: What's wrong?

Mommy: Someone is using that as a 'potty' room.

Me: Oh, someone's changing a diaper?

Mommy: Uh, NO. Someone is pottying in that room.

At that moment the amount of oxygen dropped about 30% as the rest of the adults and I sucked in a collective gasp. About thirty seconds later, a man with his little boy came back through the exit door to regain their place in line. You could see the horror on everyone's faces as this father and son (the pottiers) walked through the crowd. Everyone let them through too. No one wanted to be associated with the people who defiled Mickey's house.

After that, we were all pretty much done. Done with Mickey. Done with his Hell House. And Done with Disneyland. We left. Because, around the next two corners... NO MICKEY. That meant a good 30+ minutes left until Mickey was going to be found.

I must apologize to EVERY PERSON and CHILD that got within about 10 feet of us on our way out. Not the Momma ran through that park pushing the stroller like I've never seen before. Many ankles were scuffed by the front wheel, and G and I were ducking and diving like we did in our crowded high school hallway to keep up. We were stringing together obscenities and cursing the blasted rodent in ways no one ever has before, all the while, laughing. Laughing like psycho killers do as they look down upon their prey. The three of us (mostly Not the Momma) were forming a plan to hunt down Mickey Mouse and any known associates and hold them down until they took a picture with Little Monster. It wasn't going to be pretty either. I was scared for every person wearing those Mickey hats... afraid Not the Momma was going to confuse them with the real mouse... And then, folks... It was going to be over. We would never be allowed in Disneyland again. But YouTube, they would have had fun with the video of 6'5" crazed man tackling Mickey Mouse, taking out his armed security guards and pummelling him in the face until he promised that he would take pictures with our kid. And then we'd make him promise to put a bathroom in his house. Because it's wrong to spend an entire day, hours, waiting to see one of your favorite characters, and then have to pee in the back hallway like criminals. Yeah. Happiest Place on Earth!