A year of learning

Childbirth isn't as scary as you think it is. Parenting, however is a different story.

A woman’s nipple can stretch 14 feet when a nursing baby turns his head to see what the answer is to Final Jeopardy.

A person can survive, albeit not well, on 2 hours of sleep per night for several months at a time.

Breastfeeding is natural, but doesn’t always come naturally. A person can survive on 20 minutes of sleep at a time for approximately 5 days before going completely insane.

Have a girl. The clothing manufacturers have deemed that boys do not need clothing.

Babies can go from giggles to gut-wrenching, ear-bleeding screams in less than one nanosecond.

Baby fingernails grow at the rate of one foot per hour.

A baby’s 9 inch arm can stretch to 10 feet.

Babies can throw better than I can.

Being a parent is the HARDEST thing I’ve ever done, but has more rewards than anything I’ve ever done.

Change diaper sizes when your child reaches the MINIMUM weight on the next size up.

While they seem small, babies can simultaneously hold enough poop to clog a toilet and enough vomit to fill a 5 gallon bucket.

The only night in three months that you eat in the living room, baby will vomit all over your nice fluffy couch.

Baby vomit is hard to get out of couches.

Baby vomit smell never goes away.

Toys are for losers. Babies instead like to play with boxes, envelopes, cell phones, remote controls, keys, and cups. Don’t buy toys.

Baby cereal can be used as hairspray, superglue, or cement.

It’s stupid to travel with baby. You should just plan on moving where you want to visit. You’ll have to bring enough stuff to fill a 4 bedroom house anyway.

Before babies there are 365 days in a year. After, that number is reduced to 12.

Babies produce enough ear wax in a week to wax a gymnasium floor.

Fetch: It’s not just for dogs anymore!

Legos, blocks and toys with sharp pointy corners have the ability to transport to alternate dimensions during the day so you can’t find them when you clean. They return to this dimension after you’ve gone to sleep. They return in the middle of the path you take as you stumble to the bathroom in the middle of the night.

Stepping on a sharp toy in the middle of the night can cause you to pee your pants.

Even the best sleepers will wake up when mom starts screaming out profanity in the middle of the night because a sharp pointy toy has found the bottom of her foot on the way to the bathroom, causing her to pee her pants.

Go to the bathroom BEFORE you change any diapers or begin feeding/nursing, etc. It will make the experience better for all.

Just because it is legal to put your nearly one year old son on your lap for the flight, doesn’t mean you should. Children who are used to running around all day do not do well being HELD DOWN on a plane for several hours.

Raisins are NOT a good airline snack.

Raisins look the same going out as they do coming in.

Be careful when removing clothing after a raisin poo. Otherwise, you’ll end up with raisins EVERYWHERE..

It’s not fun to clean up pre-digested raisins.

Giant stuffed animals make great friends, but even better wrestling buddies.

“No” hurts worse than a chipped tooth.

A smile at the right time, followed by a hug can cost you 2.900 Bahrani Dinar. And its totally worth it. Because every time he sees that goofy stuffed dog a smile erupts all over his face.