Paris gives birth to twin ALIENS? WHA?

I don't generally get much entertainment out of the junk that arrives in my mailbox. Usually the credit card offers, ads, and coupon inserts that belong in the newspaper (tell me -- why does California allow that? I've never lived in a 'greener' state that allowed so much JUNK!) just pile up on a table or a counter and I get aggravated that it doesn't disappear, even when I seem to put it in the trash.

That's why I love email. The junk mail piles up and after a while, Gmail, or hotmail, or whomever they happen to be clean out the bin every two weeks or so. Most of the time I do a quick scan once every other day or so to make sure that no important things got filed incorrectly. The last time I checked, I was rather amused with the contents. I learned a few things from my Junk Mail yesterday:

1. I need to enhance my male anatomy. I know, everyone gets these, but it still cracks me up that they don't know that I don't even have male anatomy. I mean, wouldn't that be a surprise to my husband one day?

2. Weird stuff is going on between Britney and Arnold. Apparently she has transplanted her nether-regions to Arnold, all in an attempt to 'erase some fool memory syndrome.' It almost made me want to click on it. But not quite.

3. Paris Hilton. Good LAHWD! That child has issues. And here I thought it was just because Mommy and Daddy didn't set limits on anything, and used money to try to buy love and obedience. I already knew there was some crazy stuff going on with her, but I didn't know it had anything to do with 'mating' with aliens, giving birth to alien twins, owning a prison ant farm, or getting 'saved' in prison, after which she's going to be a camp counselor with her friend Nicole Richie. During that fun filled summer she purchased an iPhone, and is now set to be executed.

So. I want to know. Who is the crack-head that writes all the junk mail? Because certainly, that's some messed up stuff... and I left the really raunchy stuff out. How do they even come up with this stuff? What does your junk mail tell you?