Thursday, May 07, 2009

For Sale:

Two year old. He comes complete with a billion Lego's, blocks, trains, stuffed animals and other random toys, probably from fast food kids meals. All you have to do is come to pick them up. I suggest bringing a rake. Or a CAT with a bucket front. Because that's what you'll need to get all of the stuff off of his toy room and our living room floor. His only requirements are that you show the moves Cars, Wall-E, Bolt and Little Mermaid on endless loop, provide him with an unending supply of goldfish crackers, ice cream (with chocolate!), raisins, milk and juice, pay attention to him constantly, unless he's on the phone talking to "maw-maw" or "ba-pa" or Daddy, in which case you aren't even allowed to look at him. He only needs about three outfits -- his light blue footie pajamas with lions printed on them, a race car shirt and diapers, and his too-big-for-his-feet Batman crocs. If you would like, in about 2 more years his sister will probably be for sale as well, making a complete set.

Cost: Negotiable. The SPCA charges $50 to drop off your unwanted pets, and I have two of those barking in the back yard, digging for gophers, making my hair grey by fighting with the two year old and staring at me while I eat, knit, watch television and getting underfoot every time I step causing me to trip and cry because of the stabbing pain in my pelvis thanks to the parasite that has drained me of what little energy and sanity I have left after 2 dogs and a 2 year old. In other words, It would be great if you could cover the cost of the dogs, but that isn't necessary. You can take them too if you want. Or not.

Can't afford the cash, but want the kid, dogs and their toys anyway? That's easy. I'll allow you to work it off. There is a foot-deep pile of toys that has taken over my living room, wash, fold and put away the piles of laundry that are taking over my dining room/office, do the dishes, vacuum, sweep and mop the kitchen and scrub the bathrooms. It should only take about 3 hours unless you've taken on the body of an 80 year old whale and have a two year old and two dogs to look after. In that case, it may take you a bit longer, as in forever.

In return for all of this, I promise you'll get lots of stories about boo-bots who make frogs, cries for your love and attention several times in the middle of the night, often just after you fall asleep. You'll never feel lonely again since you won't be able to bathe, use the restroom, or read without someone trying to climb into your lap or demanding a "burr-jeee-ditch" (peanut butter & jelly sandwich). He is also good at collecting change to put into the "nunnie-jar." and distributing his goldfish cracker and milk supply all over the back seat of your vehicle.

Not interested? That's okay. I'd probably miss the little squirt anyway.

1 comment:

Samantha said...

Who gave him the darn legos? I hate legos with a passion. I will never purchase them. Ever.

There are many days where I would be willing to give my kids to someone for free.