Not Me Monday

Since I forgot last week (and silly me, it was a contest week) I'm catching up!

I did not spend almost an entire night staring at my 2 year old while he stared at me defiantly resisting sleep. I also did not give up around 4AM and told him he’d get a spanking if he got out of bed before the sun came up. Nor did I go back in when the child was so desperate he asked for the spanking so he could come to bed with me. I didn’t go back in there and sit with him for a few more minutes until I couldn’t sit anymore. I did not allow him to have water and goldfish crackers in bed to buy sleep either. I am not considering put the child into his toy room and sleeping on the couch until noon.

I did not put my 2yo into his toy room so I could nap and instead spent a ton of time making a baby registry full of pink things I’m not allowed to buy. Nor did I lay down when I was done with that and laugh at the sound of my 2yo singing the theme songs to all of the Playhouse Disney shows he so much enjoys. I did not enjoy listening to “whoa whoa woovers!” and “igger and pooh… pooh pooh pooh” and “dot dog dot dog yeah yeah” over and over again. I did not worry just a little bit when the them for Tigger and Pooh became a song about poop. I did not spend the rest of my ‘nap’ wondering how a kid who was up as much as I was last night has the energy to run around yelling ‘whoa whoa woovers!’ at the top of his lungs for ten minutes while beating on a leap frog drum.

I did NOT laugh when my 2 year old (who has not decided that sleeping through the night is for the dogs) who was sleeping in my bed after a nightmare rolled over into my hair and then said “hee hee hee … Kleenex! Ha ha ha” in his sleep.

I did not spend an hour outside a bounce house gymnasium waiting desperately for them to open so that I could let my kid bounce out some energy. I did not take him for ice cream and a run at the park when the place never opened.

I did not leap for joy when the doctor said my glucose was great and that I wasn’t anemic. And I certainly did NOT almost cry when my doctor told me I was measuring 2cm ahead and while looking at my son said “but honey, you’re not going to make a seven pound baby.” My husband did not almost start laughing when he noticed I almost started crying. That scenario did NOT play out in about 3 seconds.

I am not considering begging for a C-section just because I’m irrationally terrified of giving birth to a giant this time, nor am I thinking how nice it would be to schedule it so the husband can give definitive dates to work, and we can just go ahead and get a tubal ligation done at the same time. I would never consider those things.

I also did not nearly begin to cry when my husband was 8 minutes late coming from his office for the doctor appointment because I forgot my phone and couldn’t remind him and there was nowhere to park within 500 yards of the building he was in. The feeling that I needed to cry did NOT begin at 10:02. I am NOT on some sort of hormonal roller coaster.

I did not let my son skip dinner when he wanted to watch the “Buzz Movie” instead. I did not shut off the Buzz Movie while telling him it was dinner time, which did NOT cause a bunch of crying. That crying did not turn into my son passing out on the couch, which I did NOT take pictures of. We did not wake him up and take him to Target and then bribe him with cookies so he’d be good.

I did not spend nearly an hour doing figure 8s and circles in my driveway on a bicycle at 28 almost 29 weeks pregnant because I couldn’t bear to tell my toddler no when he said “Mommy ride bike too? Pleeeeeeeeeeease!!” in his cute little two-year-old lisp.
I was not lazy and did not tell a naked two-year-old to go ‘pick out clothes’ after he got his dirty. ‘Picking out clothes’ does not require that he go upstairs by himself, open one drawer for pants and another for shirts. I was not amazed when he came back with a totally normal looking outfit that did not involve blue lion printed pajamas with feet.

I did not call the IRS to find out what to do if my tax preparer has been sitting on my completed taxes for over a month without filing them. I did not call that tax preparer’s supervising department to complain and find out why my taxes have been sitting on someone’s desk for a month rather than being filed. I did NOT stump the guy at the IRS, because he’s not NEVER HEARD OF THIS HAPPENING BEFORE. I am not so angry about the whole situation that it makes me feel just a bit guilty as a Christian. I also did not tell the preparer’s supervising agency that I did not CARE that the preparer was a “volunteer.” I DID however WANT to tell them that my mother volunteers to save people’s lives and stop their houses from burning down but she doesn’t stop half way through and decide it’s just “too much hard work” or whatever excuse he’s using no matter how hard the job gets… And that signing a piece of paper, and clicking “send” on a computer after reviewing it for mistakes is a heck of a lot easier than what she does.

I did not feel guilty after swatting my dog for eating baby wipes she found to hear “Mommy – don’t hit Kleenex, that’s not nice” from my two year old. (In two-year-old speak of course.)
I am not terrified that in two weeks I’ll be leading a bible study discussion on the book of 1John. I do not feel completely and totally incompetent and unprepared for that to begin. I most certainly do NOT think I’ve gotten in over my head and have NOT been praying that I don’t mess everyone else in the class up.

I did not buy my son a $1.00 packet of stickers and watch as he laboriously removed every. single. one. And put them on his shirt and pants before we even left the store. I did NOT treasure the concentrated look on his face as he peeled the stickers back OR the quiet time it provided.

I did not eat (homemade) chocolate chip cookies instead of a meal three times this week.
Does not love how when Little Monster says ‘bounce’ it comes out BOUNCH in a funny little way.

I did NOT unintentionally post this because a certain little two year old was pulling on my arm and made me accidentally hit the "enter" button before I could schedule the post!!!!