Woe is me. And my husband. And the chair.

Potty Training. It's all over the place. One of the mommies from Playgroups are no Place for Children just wrote about her situation. I wish I could say that ours is different. But, it isn't.

We have spent days and days talking about the potty. Practicing sitting on the potty, flushing the potty, watching Mommy and Daddy go potty. Talking about how his doggy and his fish (and all the rest of his stuffed animals) go potty. We have purchased Elmo potty rings, Cars potty rings, potty chairs, special underpants, padded underpants, rubber underwear covers and chocolate for treats. We have had discussions, which he claims to understand, about how we potty and poopy in the toilet. About how diapers are for babies and he's getting to be a big boy.

After a couple of days of trying, he was getting frustrated and no longer wanted to sit on the toilet. So, we gave it a break. No big deal. We'll try again after the grandparents leave. However, the diaper removal is getting out of control. We are having problems.

1. The child is nearly too big for all of the padded underpants. He is in 3T clothing, which means he's at the top of the line for padded underwear.
2. Onesies under clothes won't work either, because he knows how to unsnap them and I don't think I could find any to fit him anywhere anyway.
3. He is able to remove all articles of clothing. The only thing I haven't seen him personally remove is denim jeans with snaps and zippers. Daddy, however says that has happened when I haven't been around.
4. He tells us when he is peeing. He says "Mommy, I pee-pee."
5. He removes his own diapers when he is uncomfortable with the wet feeling.
6. He refuses to sit on the toilet 80% of the time.

The only thing that is keeping us from going full-steam ahead on the potty training train is number six. He really refuses to sit on the toilet. When I suggest it he says NOOOOOO!!! and runs away. He cries and whines and says "I'm done" after being on the toilet for about 3 nanoseconds.

Then there was this morning. If you thought the pee in the bed episode from yesterday was comical, wait -- just wait.

This morning I had to go help out with an event for my bible study group. I wasn't planning on being gone long, but I did need to be dressed and look presentable just in case I was needed to stay longer. The morning had already gone wrong. Not the Momma was dusting the fan blades while standing on the ottoman. When he stepped off, he landed on a wooden cube toy. The pointy corner created a small hole in the bottom of his foot. He began to nurse that, and I talked to Little Monster "LM, I need to go check on Daddy. He stepped on something and has a boo-boo on the bottom of his foot. Can you go play in your playroom for a while so that I can make sure he's okay?" "Yes Mommy." I was surprised. He has been pretty clingy and hasn't wanted to play by himself much lately. I checked on Not the Momma and got in the shower.

As I was finishing up getting ready to go (read: I was already running late and had about 10 minutes before I had to leave and about 30 minutes worth of stuff to do in that 10 minutes), I heard a commotion downstairs and some stomping up the stairs. Into the bathroom stormed Not the Momma carrying a very naked Little Monster by the armpits, arms straight out to keep him as far away as possible. Then I smelled it. I looked up and noticed the streak down Little Monster's legs.

As Not the Momma tells it, he was sitting on the couch, nursing his foot, when he heard the sound of a nearly empty ketchup bottle being squeezed in the playroom. That alarmed him, being as we threw away the nearly empty ketchup bottle a couple of days ago. Either Little Monster truly is a genius and managed to get the nearly empty ketchup bottle and play with it, or there was a seriously bad situation brewing. He walked in to find a completely naked (he removed his pajamas and diaper) Little Monster, sitting in the chair in his playroom, using it as a toilet. And saying "yuckie!" He removed his diaper. THEN pooped. Nice, huh?

Of course, this would only happen as I am frantically trying to get out of the house, wearing a white sweater. At least the carpet extractor (thank Heavens we bought the one with the tools for furniture!) was already out since we had to clean a mattress yesterday.

At any rate, I am left with but a few conclusions. 1)My child is never going to potty train and I should start seeking out diapers for older kids and adults. Also -- I'm going to have to spend a lot of money on duct tape to keep his diapers on. 2)He is ready to potty train, but is going to be stubborn about the whole ordeal, causing me to go greyer than I'd like earlier than I'd like, as well as drive me into complete insanity instead of the 80% insane 20% sane that I already am.

I'm thinking it's a little bit of both. First the duct tape, then the losing my mind trying to really potty train this kid. You know he'll end up being really potty-trained by May. Just in time for Baby # 2 to make it's arrival. So he'll regress and we'll have to do it all over again.

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Oh, and If you're hanging out around here and notice things are all amuck. They probably are. I'm redoing stuff.