That "Thing"

I have body issues. What woman doesn't right? After I got pregnant with Butterball, they melted away. I realized that I'm insane to think I'm fat or overweight or whatever, but that doesn't mean that I'm comfortable all the time.

1. I slump. I slouch, I have TERRIBLE posture. My posture is so bad and has been for so long that it almost hurts to stand up straight. It feels unnatural. It's awful. I notice that when I do stand up straight, I look a million times better.

2. I have post-pregnancy belly. I'm that gal you see walking down the street where you wonder if I'm just entering my second trimester, or if I'm just carrying a few extra pounds. I'm just carrying a few extra pounds. In the front. Where those two giant (9 lb10 oz, and 9 lb 7 oz) babies were. I have this flap of skin and fat that hangs. You think you have muffin top? I am that muffin that spilled out of the cup and is dripping off of the pan -- at least in front.

These two things make it difficult for me to feel comfortable in clothing. I need to find jeans that don't ride up to my armpits (I prefer lower-rise jeans, they don't pinch when you bend). I would like to find shirts that don't make my milk makers look funny or my tummy look like it's still housing children, or showing off my crack. I like my shirts longer. I don't do anything that's expensive, because I'm the cheapest person out there when it comes to clothing. I like to be pretty low maintenance, (no dry-clean only), but the screen printed T-shirts are no longer working for me to wear out. I want to look put together, polished. As if I didn't try to look nice but succeeded anyway. And yes, I'm aware. I'm only three months post-baby, but I feel like it's been so much longer. I'm ready to look like me again. And I need to figure out a way of hiding my gut before I wean, so that when I do it doesn't stick out further than the bumps that live above it.

Suggestions? Places to shop? Brands of clothing? Please. Tell me. I want to hear it all.

Letter to my Body...

There has been a little exercise on BlogHer... Here's my submission.

It seems the two of us have a love-hate relationship these days. Some days, especially recently, I love the way we look together. I love the fact that parts of me are returning to the places they were before you grew my son. I’m not so sure how I feel about the grey hair that has started to show up in random places on my head. Don’t you know we’re not even 30 yet? That’s too young for grey hair. You have been really good to me, so I guess I can let that one slide, especially if you consider the abuse I’ve put you through.

It all started when I was six years old. My grandma told me that lying on hot cement would cause skin cancer. I didn’t believe her, and hope she’s wrong to this day. Why? You remember. I had been running through the sprinkler, and in a secret act of defiance laid my nearly naked wet body on the ground. I heard the sound of the water sizzling, much like eggs frying, as I put you up against the hot cement. I’m sorry about that.

The abuse continued through my teen years when, before the banning of soda and junk food in schools, I filled you with a bunch of crap. There really isn’t another word to describe the Mt. Dew, Bagels, Little Debbie Snacks, Otis Spunkmeyer cookies and pizza I ate daily. That job at Dairy Queen didn’t help either, because the amount of ice cream I ingested would probably scare some people. Thanks for not gaining the 300 pounds I should have gained. I continued the cruelty in my college years, when night after night, I would drink myself silly, smoke like a chimney and deprive you of sleep for days. Those were fun times, but I’m afraid of the permanent damage I did to you in three short years.

How is it that after so many years of abuse and neglect, you are still there for me? I sincerely appreciate all you have done for me. You have been wonderful. You have been extremely healthy, even if I haven’t done anything to help you out with that endeavor. I know that as I get older, I’ll have to do more to help you, so here’s what I ask of you. Could you please send some endorphins to my brain to trick me into thinking exercise is fun? That would help me help you. You know I’ve been trying to eat better, and I’ll continue to do that, just for you.

Oh, and about that thing… You know, that thing that’s been bothering me for a while.. Could you lay off on that… We’ve been trying to, well, that’s kind of a secret, you know, and well, If you don’t lay off of that thing, then it makes it hard to accomplish that other goal we have. You know what I’m talking about. I promise not to do it to you too many more times.

I apologize for all the years I spent wishing parts of you were different. I can blame lots of people in the media for that, but really, it was me. I didn’t see you for how beautiful you are, how amazing you are, because not only have you been extremely kind, (only punishing me that one time with the kidney stone), you’ve also helped to create one of the most important things in my life -- my son. I didn’t realize how wonderful and amazing you were, until that night in October. You, my body, are a miracle in itself, able to sustain not only my life but create another.

Body, I thank you for putting up with me. If I were you, I’d have run away long ago--despite the fact that running would be exercise.

I FOUND IT!!!!!!!

Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson. Body Builder, Athlete.. Of course, he's very fit. Not much body fat, eh? But did you know that a BMI table would consider him OBESE:

Thank you Answers.com!

For example, Arnold Schwarzenegger in his prime had a BMI of about 30.2, and Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson has a BMI of 32.5. Their high BMI is a result of a high muscle mass and not due to being fat. This puts them much healthier compared to someone who has a BMI of say 26, but with a lot less lean muscle than them.

JUST as I suspected!!! The Navy's calculation of Body Fat/ie BMI is WAY off when it comes to people who are seriously FIT and have a lot of lean muscle mass... My husband would be one of those people!!!

More on military standards...

I have been informed that the tables I have a link to are old. I haven't found anything newer, but here's a better, more thorough website about the Navy Standards.

My husband is 6'5" and weighs around 250. I am 5'3" and weigh around 125. By Navy standards, in order to stay within regulations, my husband needs to drop to 216, losing 34 pounds. I, however, am allowed to GAIN 28 pounds. There is something a teensy bit wrong with their computations of body composition here. That is according to the height/weight chart. If we use their backup plan, my husband is still considered 40% body fat. Yeah. Right. They are full of shit. How do they compute that? They have a magic table. Yes, they measure the neck, and abdomen. Subtract the neck from the abdomen. Then they go to the height of the person, and going down will find the computed measurement. That number from the table is what the person's body fat is.

Want to know who else is "overweight?"

[picture of President Bush removed... 2/6/08]

Yup. Sure is! Does he LOOK overweight? I think not. He's one of the fittest presidents we've had! (This has nothing to do with my view of the bush. I don't really know how I feel about him at the moment...)

Someone who is NOT overweight according to Navy Standards...
[picture of chubby man in the military removed, 2/6/08] (notice his fat neck... that will compensate for any "spare tire" that is there..)

This guy probably wouldn't fit the standards:
[picture of Dwayne Johnson, The ROCK, removed 2/6/08]
I bet he's probably OBESE according to Navy standards!! I'd like to find out!

So, I guess what I'm saying is that it's a bunch of crap. I'm pretty sure "The Rock" does not have anywhere close to 22 percent body fat. I don't care that the military has standards. After all, if you aren't fit it isn't safe for you OR your peers... BUT at least allow the guys to go get calipered or dunked and get a REAL body fat measurement if the highly scientific military methods seem a bit off. I don't think that's too much to ask.

Oh, and if you happen to have or know "The Rock's" height/weight and his neck/abdomen dimensions, I would greatly appreciate knowing them.. Then I can find out what the Navy would consider his body fat to be.

Deflated

Since I’ve accomplished my mission of weaning the baby, something terrible has happened. I have been deflated. The part of me that was necessary for feeding the baby has disappeared. I wouldn’t care so much if it didn’t make the part of me necessary for carrying a fetus seem, well, so large all of a sudden. When I was a bit more *ahem* endowed, my stomach didn’t seem so out of proportion. I wasn’t thoroughly thrilled with the extra inches, but they were okay. After all, I have a beautiful toddler to show for them. However, that was in comparison to the larger version of me. I’m not quite so pleased with the new ratio of breast to stomach I have going on. In fact, I think I look a lot like this:

That isn’t so bad, until you realize that the person on the cover of this magazine is pregnant. I am not, nor do I plan to be pregnant again in the very near future. So it is a bit depressing that I could stand next to someone who is, and have people trying to guess who is further along. Once again I’m in limbo.. “Is she pregnant, or is she just carrying a few extra pounds?” I look just like I did about 20 months ago. Only this time, it won’t be cute if someone asks me when I’m due. I’m also not nearly as excited about my post-baby bump as I was about my pre-baby bump. I am carrying a few extra pounds.

I also realize that I am one of the last people that should complain about my weight, the way I look, etc. There are probably tons of people out there would like to look like I do, especially when you consider the amount of work I put into maintaining my girlish figure. The amount of work, I believe would be zero. Maybe it’s negative. I don’t know. When I looked up the definition for negative work my eyes glassed over and my brain shut off. Literally. I just had to jump start it with a peanut butter cup. It was a miniature, so the calories don’t count. Back to the topic. Why am I self conscious about my weight? I don’t know. Let’s think about the whole debacle with Britney Spears at the whatever awards. People said she looked fat. When I watched the replays (over and over and over and over and over and over again), I kept thinking to myself: 1) that girl can dance better than I can all hopped up on drugs and 2) she is NOT fat! (leave her alone! Ha ha ha).

There is something wrong with me. No, there is something wrong with our society. It used to be that a girl with just a bit of meat was considered healthy, and desirable. Because, after all, who wants to date a sack of skin and bones? A girl who is healthy is more likely to be fertile, etc. (same argument as why breasts are “sexy.”) So, what I want to know is when did we lose that ideal? It hasn’t been that long. Marilyn Monroe was certainly no size 0! The models we see these days are bags of bones with some hair, glittery clothes and $3000 shoes. When did that become sexy?

So, I’m deflated and feeling a bit self conscious. If you meet me on the street and happen to ask me when I’m due, please expect a swift kick to the behind and a punch to the nose,. I might even let my baby pull your hair, rip off your glasses and pinch you until you bruise. He’s good at those things. Does all of this mean I’m going to go on a real diet? No. Am I going to start working out? (You mean carrying around an extra 25 squirming pounds most of the day isn’t exercise?) Probably not. I’d better just get used to my inflated belly and my deflated chest.

The Daily Grind...

So.. I guess I am getting used to having a little bundle around... Although, I can't really say that I am getting used to it, because honestly, I am having a hard time remembering what life was like without him. We have been busy in the last week. I am as fully recovered as I think I can be... I really won't be fully recovered until week 6, but I feel pretty normal already.. Except for the fact that my body has changed forever.. that doesn't matter as much as soon as I look at my little Milk Monster's face though. Our schedule is pretty tight. He eats about every two hours.. So If I want to leave the house, then I pretty much have to be prepared to listen to his wailing starving screams, or feed him wherever I go... Getting anywhere takes a lot longer than it used to... Mostly because I have to feed him right before we leave, and then there is the whole getting in the shower and getting him dressed... That alone can be quite an issue as he usually will fill his pants right before we are ready to leave somewhere. :) I love him still...
Daddy will be back in the states tomorrow, and home next week! I am getting really excited for that. This has probably been the longest 6 month deployment we have been through, except that he left a few weeks late, so it really hasn't been a full 6 months for the two of us... I know daddy can't wait to meet his little man... I expect to be fully absent for the entire holiday season because Daddy will be home then...
Anyways, the kid and I are getting used to life together... He loves his Momma, and I love him.. :) How could you not love this??