Caddyshack 2008 - Part Two

We, my friends, have a gopher problem. Today the situation came to an acme when Kleenex, our female dog, escaped. I was writing a different entry for today, about our crappy internet, when there was a knock on the door. My friendly neighbor was over to inform me that the dogs, er I mean, ONE dog had escaped the confines of my yard. It was a little disturbing that only ONE dog was out… Even more disturbing was the fact that the gate was still latched and locked. She had DUG A HOLE UNDER THE FENCE. I almost started crying thinking about what Not the Momma was going to do to that naughty little puppy (I’m pretty sure withholding dessert wouldn’t be his plan). She knew she was in trouble, so she just came right over when she saw me, hoping to keep herself out of any more trouble. (Is it wrong that before I filled the hole in, I seriously considered taking photographic evidence… for the blog. I only decided against it because that would be exploiting my pets for my own selfish desire. Also – my pets deserve their privacy.) Surprisingly, Not the Momma wasn’t mad about the giant gaping hole under the fence. I did try to fill it in a bit, though, and spent the afternoon filling all the gopher holes with water. Later in the evening, after a great Cinco De Mayo dinner at the Whole Enchilada (great Mexican food, by the way), we saw it. Well, Chewie started whining at the backdoor. Not the Momma looked out, and saw the dirt flying up where the gopher was digging a hole. So, we sicked the dogs on it. Kleenex was digging and growling and digging and growling and growling and digging. Chewie was running around frantically. It was crazy. But now, we’re at a loss for what to do to get rid of the darn things.

Ways we’ve tried to kill the gophers:

*Drowning them with lots and lots of water. (didn’t work, apparently.)
*Collapse their runs. Yeah, that isn’t working either.
*Hack at them with the pointy end of a mattock after trying to drown them and collapse their caves. (This one is particularly ineffective, especially if you’re dressed up in a long skirt, and screaming obscenities. On a positive note, the neighbors had some entertainment for their Cinco De Mayo party… NO this didn’t happen tonight!? ß Sarcasm)
*Sacking the dogs on them. Kleenex likes this one. She’s been trying to kill the things herself for weeks. (Not the Momma says: She killed a mouse when we were camping… She has the taste of blood!) Unfortunately, she’s only gotten into trouble for digging the holes bigger. And today, she dug UNDER THE FENCE trying to eat the rodent. She didn’t run away though. And that’s why she’s still alive… That and because Little Monster kinda likes her.

Ways we’ve contemplated, but have not yet attempted to kill the bastards. (Either because we haven’t had time, or we’re still contemplating the operational risk)

*Suffocation: We could suffocate them by piping propane into their burrows.
*Incineration: Following the suffocation up with a lighter could prove to be very successful. However, we’re a bit concerned about unexploded ordinance and the collateral damage aspect. We’d hate to blow up the neighbor’s house by mistake.
*Poison: Not really a fan of this one, because of the fact we have dogs, and small children.
*Guillotine Traps: They’re kind of expensive. Not to mention, that’s kind of a boring way to do it. Boring isn’t really something we’re ‘into’ in our house.

So, any suggestions about how to creatively, (and maybe even slightly inhumanely) get rid of our gopher problem?

I’m kidding about that inhumane thing. Sort of. No, seriously, I really am. Kidding.